Accepting Chaos
by Mira Spiegel
Summary: This is the backstory on Jonathan Crane, how Scarecrow evolved and Jonathan's descent into the darkness. As always, it starts with a woman...Crane/OC
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: **Well, it's that time again! It's November and that means National Novel Writing Month! In case you reading this and going "huh?," National Novel Writing Month is when you write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. It's fun, distressing and all around writing good fun! Anyway, this is going to be my project for NaNoWriMo so expect lots of updates and hopefully not too many typos but you've been warned...there will be typos! If the story turns out as well as I imagine it, I promise to go back and fix the typos!

When thinking of what type of story to do for this month long challenge, I decided that I should write my own backstory to one of my favorite characters: Jonathan Crane. So even though he may seem slightly out of character at times, I'm trying to show his descent into the darkness. So really, you should only see glimpses of the Jon Crane we all know and love but hopefully I can pull this off. You never know till you try! So, onward! And please, leave a review! God knows I'll need the encouragement!

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter One**

_I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most._

_-Bob Dylan_

"So what's the trouble, Jonny?"

The old wood in the church creaked under the weight of age. There were no lights, the building was built decades before electricity. There were candles but he had no way to light them. The only things he did have were the birds that made the dilapidated building their home, the head of the scarecrow he had taken and hidden in the rotted out pulpit and his fear.

"Jonny?"

No, that wasn't all he had. He had Scarecrow. No longer just a head stuffed with straw and an old potato sack with a lopsidedly stitched grin. The Scarecrow had become his protector, the voice that spoke back to him in the darkness and consoled him when no one else did. He was friend, father and educator all in one. Something in the back of his mind told him that this was not right but he couldn't argue with the comfort it brought him in a life filled with sharp pain and bitter disappointment.

"Grandma found my library book under my bed."

The silhouette of the Scarecrow head looked down at him from what was the pulpit. "What was her issue with the book?"

Twelve year old Jonathan Crane scuffed his worn shoe against the rotted planks of the floor. "It was about Freud."

"And what is wrong with Freud?"

"She says he's an evil man who turned his back on God and instead indulged in sinful perversions."

There was a beat of silence and Jonathan could hear the birds preening not that far above him.

"And what do you think, Jonny?"

Filled with the confidence of his own opinion, Jonathan stood up from the pew that he had been sitting in and started to pace in front of the alter. "I think some of what he had to say was right but I also think that Jung was right in some of his theories as well."

"Tell me more about Freud, Jonny. We already discussed Jung last time."

"Well," he felt a true smile come across his face. "Freud believed-"

The front door swung open on rusted hinges, the meager light from the early evening momentarily blinding him. He heard his mother's unsure step as she crossed the threshold. "What did you do now, Jonathan?"

Before he could defend himself for his actions that landed him in the church prison, his mother caught sight of the scarecrow head on the pulpit, eliciting a startled yelp from her. She was even more faint hearted than he was when it came to this church turned torture chamber.

"Honestly, Jonathan," she complained. "You know Mr. McDugall was looking for his scarecrow head. You have to give it back to him."

What felt like a righteous anger filled him. "No. It's mine. He can make another one."

Now she was exasperated as well as annoyed as she pushed past him and snatched the burlap sack off of the pulpit. "You're giving it back to him tomorrow and apologizing for stealing it."

"That's not fair!" That short comment earned him a stinging slap across the face.

"Grow up! Stop playing these silly little games."

His eyes smarted from the blow and he wiped his sleeve across his watering eyes. He wanted to tell his mother that he was grown up, much more so than he should be. He wasn't yet a teenager and yet understood Freud's theories of various fixations or Jung's theory of archetypes. He knew his own mother's weakness was the guilt driven desire to do something, anything, to please her grandmother, his great-grandmother, but knew that she never would. His great-grandmother was so deeply embittered in her old time religion to even see past her own piousness. There was nothing for either one of them to do but survive and he was worried his mother wouldn't.

"Grandmom said that she found a dirty book under your bed."

He was too distraught over the loss of the scarecrow head to even feel any sort of embarrassment over the false accusation. "It was a biography of Freud."

His mother pinched the bridge of her thin, straight nose. "Jonathan." She sounded so terribly disappointed with him. "Here," she shoved the rough material stuffed with straw into his hands and a surge hope that quickly rose to the surface was dashed almost instantly. "Make sure you give that back to Mr. McDugall first thing tomorrow morning."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And Jonathan?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"Please stop causing trouble."

* * *

An adult Jonathan Crane, recently Doctor Jonathan Crane, slowly blinked back to reality. He was sitting in his new office at Gotham University. True, he had been handed all the general psychology classes and basic level learners but he was only twenty-one. His students were only going to be at most four years younger than him. Managing a class of over a hundred students was going to be daunting and next to impossible given his thin build and young looks. Well, there was nothing like jumping in with both feet.

As he made his way through the crowded halls of the university towards his lecture room, he let his mind wander back over the memory that had taken over his thoughts just a few minutes ago. Even though he had promised his mother to return the scarecrow head, he never did. He had hidden it under some loose floorboards in the church and knew she would never follow up with the farmer down the road.

When he left to study at Gotham University at the age of fifteen, he took the scarecrow head with him, empting out the straw and folding up the burlap sack in his beaten up suitcase. He still had the scarecrow "security blanket" if you will, tucked away in a dresser drawer at his one bedroom apartment. He had given up speaking to it and imagining it replied. In fact, he was actually quite embarrassed at his childhood conversations with the sack so he never mentioned it to anyone for the sake of him being drug into a psychological evaluation. No, he had come too far to be slowed down by some Neanderthal questioning his higher intelligence and calling it insanity.

With a satisfied smile, he opened the lecture hall door and thought he was in the wrong hall. But no, checking the letter on the door proved he was correct. Lecture Hall C, ten o'clock in the morning, General Psychology. Well, it wasn't quite ten yet and he counted on some late comers but that still didn't explain the mere six students that were seated sporadically throughout the large room.

Squaring his shoulders, he made his way down to the front of the room and set the second hand briefcase on the battered desk. The action got a couple of the student's attention, particular a large blonde kid who looked like a football player. Jonathan had to remind himself of his position in the classroom, he was now the teacher, the authority figure. These jocks, spoiled rich kids and those who just expected to be handed grades were under his rule at the moment. That brought an enormous amount of comfort to him, a kid who had been endlessly bullied all through his educational experience. Until today.

The clock at the back of lecture hall told him it was ten o'clock and he pulled the lecture notes out of the briefcase and slammed them down on the lectern, effectively gaining everyone's attention…all nine of them, at the moment.

"I want everyone to sit in the first five rows." He waited for them to move down to the front but when no one moved, he relied on the work he put into his thesis to motivate them: fear. "Well, I don't believe any student in the history of Gotham University has ever started out their semester with their grade being in the negatives but surely there is a first for everything."

Grumbling, they slowly gathered up their things and moved to the rows he had dictated. Once everyone was settled in their new seats, a new comer came rushing into the room. Jonathan didn't even look them.

"Front row for anyone who comes to class late."

"Man," the blond jock complained, "this is like high school."

The late comer slid into one of the front row seats, separated from her classmates by two rows. Jonathan wished he had paid more attention and was instantly feeling sorry for making her sit there. She looked young, much younger than her classmates and much too young for college. He should know seeing as he graduated from Gotham University with his undergrad at age eighteen . She also had that air about her that he was familiar with, a person whose intelligence sets them apart from their peers. Well, he would just have to be more careful next time when he doled out a punishment for punctuality. He may be strict but he wasn't heartless.

Jonathan started to read off the names on the class roster. "Jason Reilly."

The jock raised his hand. "Do you want me to say 'here' as well?"

"No, Mr. Reilly," Jonathan checked off his name, "the less words you speak the better it will be." A nervous chuckled erupted through the class. "Sally Jansen."

A blonde, cheerleader type raised her hand.

"Lemond Quiah."

"Yo."

"Once again," Jonathan reminded them in a bored tone, "no need to say anything." This was going to be fun…a regular class of geniuses. "Mia Giovanni?"

A young woman with long black hair raised a well manicured hand. She had the look and name that screamed "mob princess." This was just getting better and better. He read through the rest of the names, everyone having caught on by then to his no speaking rule. The last name on the roster was the lone girl sitting in the front row. Alice Williams.

Alice was an extreme type of petite, almost to the point of looking anorexic. Her hair was a vibrant shade of red, curled into tight rings and the few occasions that she actually looked up, revealed bright green eyes. She had the look of someone who was used to being hunted by their peers. It was a dangerous kind of wanting to disappear and he felt an unexpected twinge of protectiveness towards her. Well, it could be that she reminded him of himself or the fact that she looked so young, about sixteen. Perhaps he was fortunate enough to gain a prodigy that he had once been. It certainly would make up for the lack of students he had.

"Very well then," he tucked the roster underneath his notes for the lecture. "Let me tempt fate and ask you, why are you taking this class?"

Lemond was the one that answered him. "Because we have to."

"I see." Jonathan straightened his glasses. "Do any of you have an interest in psychology?"

Three out of the ten students raised their hands. Thankfully, Alice was one of them. "Alright. Let's start with the basics. How many of you can tell me about Freud?"

Nothing.

"Jung?"

"Young what?" Jason the jock responded and the room erupted in laughter.

Jonathan happened to look over at Alice and found her muttering the same thing he was thinking.

_Idiots. _

He set to work with a sense of satisfaction that at least one of his students wasn't a complete moron, introducing them to the early history of psychology and watching for any spark of interest in the faces. There were maybe three but it was Alice's wide eyed expressions that made him forget the feeling that he was talking to the cinderblock walls instead of interested students. He was never so thankful to see ten to eleven come around. He assigned reading, which he doubted they would ever do, before dismissing them to the next class. Shoving his lecture notes into his briefcase, he looked up to see Alice standing awkwardly next to his desk.

"Yes, Ms. Williams?"

"I, uh," she fiddled with the strap on her messenger's bag, "I just wanted to apologize for being late this morning. I'm not normally late to class."

He wondered why she felt compelled to apologize for her tardiness. The idea of her having ulterior motives, whether good or bad, left him slightly uncomfortable. "See it doesn't happen again," he stated shortly before leaving her there in the room by herself.

Being a professor now, Jonathan had access to the student database. As soon as he went back to his office, he called up Alice Williams' student profile. It didn't give him much information on her, just her school ID picture (which was not flattering to how she looked in real life) and facts that would be relevant for other teachers. She was eighteen years old and that took away some of her prodigy charm he had assumed on her character. Her major was child psychology and her home address was not that far from the University.

He was not normally this obsessive about people. Research, yes. Study of people's reactions to various stimuli, absolutely. Pouring over textbooks and recording his findings and theories of his own, he obsessed over every word. But people as people, never. So he sat his desk, staring at the student ID picture of Alice and trying to figure out how she managed to get under his skin so quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Two**

Alice didn't know why she felt the need to apologize for being late. It was true what she said, she was normally punctual to every class or event on the campus. You had to be when you were the daughter of the head of the English department. Dr. Crane's manner was what threw her. She was used to being confident and unafraid but there was something about him that made her feel like she was standing on hot coals. She had spent the last fifty minutes trying to figure out why she felt like that. She narrowed it down to his unearthly blue eyes or his ridiculously young age. Her cell phone rang, bringing her out of her thoughts.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sis! Done for the day?"

It was her never dull older brother, Kevin. "Yeah, I am. I'm heading over to Dad's office so he can take me over the hospital."

"I'm on duty right now but I have my lunch break coming up. How about I pick you up?"

"No, Kev, that's fine."

He laughed. "Too late."

She looked up to the see the ambulance pulling along side the curb next to her. Slightly annoyed, she snapped her phone shut and walked over to the vehicle. The window was already down due to the nice weather and she used this to converse with her brother. His partner was strangely absent. "Why did you even call me if you were already on campus?"

He shrugged. "Element of surprise."

"What about Dad?"

"Already call him." Kevin opened the passenger side door for her. "Hop in."

She dumped her messenger bag onto the floor of the ambulance and climbed into the passenger seat. "Where's Simon?"

"In the back taking a nap on the gurney."

Simon was Kevin's EMT partner and best friend. When the two really got going it was more entertaining than any sitcom on TV. She was actually sad Simon was sleeping.

"Whoa, who's that?" Kevin asked, an edge of humor in his voice. Alice looked to where her older brother's finger was pointing to see Dr. Crane walking at a decent clip towards the administration building.

"Either that's then new resident psych genius Dad was talking about," Kevin was saying, "or one student who takes himself way too seriously."

"No, that's Dr. Crane, the genius. He's my general psych teacher."

"Really?" Kevin pulled away from the curb and headed out onto the main road. "What's he like?"

Alice shrugged. "Okay, I guess. He acts like we're all morons though."

"No offense, but most of them probably are. Think about, Dad was telling us this guy came to the University at fifteen, graduated at eighteen with an undergrad degree, then while he worked on his masters, which he finished in two years, he wrote his thesis which earned him his doctorate."

"Did Dad ever say what his doctorate was on?"

Kevin thought about it. "I think he said it was on fear and the physical, emotional and psychological efforts on people. Or something like that. I know Dad was less than impressed but he was in the minority. Oh yeah," Kevin changed topics, "I checked out your student profile on the net." He slapped the steering wheel with a laugh, "Dad changed your age to eighteen."

"Why would he do that?"

"Probably because he saw what the present day Dr. Crane had to go through being a young genius on a college campus. You're already marked because Dad's an administrator."

"Yeah but I have to fight my battles." She saw Kevin check the rear view mirror, most likely making sure that Simon was still asleep.

"Look, Al, I know you're all about being independent and everything but you have to keep in mind, you're sixteen years old, freshman in college and you're-"

"That's enough, Kev. I get it."

"All I'm saying is, sometimes you need other people to fight some battles for you."

Alice stared sullenly out of the window. She hated it when her brother was right but she hated it even more when he knew it.

* * *

There were times when Jonathan wished his higher level of intelligence absolved him from the minor details of everyday life. For example, eating. It wasn't until he finished his last lecture at the University at five pm, managed to get some research in after yelling at three couples who were making out behind the stacks and two football jocks trying to pick up girls in the periodical room before he made it home and realized there was nothing he could make out of half jar of mayonnaise and two pickles. The only thing that working in his favor at the moment was the late hour had thinned out the crowd at the local grocery store.

He was coming up to the close of the semester, thankful for seeing the bone headed students that were shoved off on him move on and hopefully the new crop would have more promise. Well, that wasn't necessarily true. Alice Williams had proven to be an exceptional student with interesting insight and beautifully written reports. However, he did find out that her father was the head of the English department so her gift for sentence structure was explained. Her mind was brilliant though. She was the reason he was still teaching, seeing those fascinated green eyes glued to him was what got him through this semester. He was going to miss her.

"Dr. Crane?"

He was certain his mind was playing tricks on him when he looked over the pile of apples in front him to see Alice Williams staring back at him. "Ms. Williams, what a pleasant surprise." And he meant it, which surprised him even more.

"Yes, it's good to see you too, Dr. Crane."

"I wasn't aware you lived in this part of town."

She was absently tossing an apple back and forth in her hands. "My brother works as an EMT at Gotham General and I was riding along with him tonight."

"I didn't think that you were interested in the medical field."

She lifted her thin shoulders in an elegant shrug. "I'm not sure what field I want to go into actually. You're main field of study was in psychopharmacology, correct?"

He was impressed. "Why, Miss Williams, you've been reading up on me."

Her face turned the same shade as her hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be out of line."

"No, not at all. It's just I'm not used to people being interested in my academic career." He hoped he smoothed over her discomfort. He really should work on his people skills. Perhaps his blunt honesty and freely given opinions weren't as well tolerated as he believed them to be. It could explain why most of the psychology department avoided him.

"I hope you're not offended but I read your thesis."

"Really?" He grabbed a couple apples himself and followed her the next aisle over. "And your thoughts?"

"Interesting," she answered. "I'm not sure if I agree with your prediction of ridding the human race of fear to ultimately launch us into a utopia, though."

That was an interesting statement and he wondered if she could defend it. "So you enjoy being afraid?"

"No, I don't like being afraid but I think good things can come of fear."

"Of course, elevated heart rate, high blood pressure-"

"That wasn't what I meant." She gave him a wide grin. "Fear teaches you, forces you to grow as a person. Without that stimulation, there will be nothing to drive us to become better versions of ourselves."

"There are other ways of bettering yourself. Education, debate-"

"Name something that is emotionally based that forces us to grow."

He thought about it for a moment. You never grew when you were happy, that only meant contentment. Sadness you trudged through until you came out the other side of the loss. Ah, yes, she should like this one. "Love."

"Fascinating choice, Dr. Crane. I wouldn't have pegged you for a romantic."

"I'm not. I was merely answering your question. So, just to understand your position, you believe fear is a good thing."

Her focus seemed to falter as well as her step and Jonathan reached out to steady her when she regained her footing and he realized it might be inappropriate for him to touch her. She was still his student after all.

"Ms. Williams?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened."

She looked even paler than normal and he could see beads of sweat had broken out on her freckled forehead. "Do you want to sit down someplace? Do you need some water?"

"No, I'm fine. Sorry. What was your question?"

He had forgotten actually. He knew they were discussing his thesis but her physical well being was distracting him to no end. "Is your brother here with you?"

"Yes," she answered but her voice faded sharply before she could say anything else. He watched her pitch forward towards the floor and without thinking, he dropped the shopping basket he was carrying and caught her by her arms. He wasn't quite sure what to do with her now that she was passed out completely. He couldn't leave her on the floor but carrying her around the store looking for her paramedic brother didn't seem very viable either. There was a woman standing next to him with a blank look on her face and he hoped she had enough sense in her to listen to him.

"There is a paramedic in the store, please go find him."

She turned dazed eyes towards. "Huh?"

It was just his luck. The only other person in this city with a mind worth picking was unconscious in his arms right now. "Go find help," he ordered shortly. Maybe using monosyllabic words would gain a response. Thankfully, that seemed to work and she left his sight. Meanwhile, Jonathan knelt down on the floor and supported her head, hoping she would wake up soon.

It didn't take long for the man Jonathan assumed was her brother, to come running around the corner. He was dressed in a EMT uniform and had the same color hair and eyes as Alice. Jonathan started to get up when the EMT put a hand briefly on his shoulder.

"Stay there," Alice's brother said. "How long has she been out?"

"One and half to two minutes."

The other man nodded and checked Alice's pulse. "Can you carry her outside to the ambulance? I'll hook up an IV before you get there."

And he was gone before Jonathan could say yea or nay. So much for his quick shopping trip. He wasn't a physically strong man by any standard but thankfully Alice was a light weight and he had little trouble carrying her out to the idling ambulance. Her brother had the back doors open and he took Alice from Jonathan and laid her out on a gurney. He was getting ready to return back to the store when Alice's brother spoke to him.

"My partner doesn't start his shift for another twenty minutes. Think you can help me out, Doc?"

Jonathan watched the other man insert a needle into Alice's arm and then give a bag with clear liquids a gentle squeeze. Needles never did sit well with him and he wiped his palms on his dress pants. "I'm not that type of doctor."

"You'll do." He waved him up into the vehicle and Jonathan bit back a groan as he climbed into the ambulance. "Here," he shoved the plastic bag into Jonathan's hand, "just give it a slow squeeze every fifteen seconds. I'm going to call the hospital just to check what treatment they gave her today."

"Treatment?" Jonathan asked but Alice's brother had squeezed himself up into the driver's seat and was on the radio, most likely with the hospital. He sat there and squeezed the bag every fifteen seconds just as he was instructed and soon Alice's brother was back, taking the fluid bag back and handing him a white bucket.

"What's this for?"

"Aw and ruin the surprise? Kevin, by the way."

"Uh, Jonathan."

"Thanks for helping with her. She always has a rough time after chemo. I was getting ready to take her home when she said she wanted an apple so we came here first."

"Chemo?" Jonathan clutched the bucket in his lap. "That means she has cancer."

"I can tell why you're a doctor at twenty-one."

Jonathan's eyes narrowed slightly. He wasn't particularly fond of this Kevin. He reminded him a little too much of that football jock in Alice's class. "Twenty two, now, actually."

"My bad." Kevin squeezed the bag and looked back down at Alice, checking her pulse again with his free hand. "She actually has a tumor that is pressing on her heart. They're trying to shrink it and then go from there."

"Oh." That was the most intelligent thing that he could come up with. He felt the same way he had when he discovered she was the average age for a freshman: disillusioned with the image that he built up in his mind of her. A tumor…chemotherapy…shouldn't she want to rid herself of fear, the fear of dying especially? So why was she defending the value of fear?

"There she is," Kevin was saying and Jonathan directed his attention back to Alice. Her eye lids were fluttering and soon those green eyes were visible again. He released the breath he had been holding as she slowly sat up on the gurney and took in her surroundings.

Kevin slapped Jonathan's shoulder. "You're up, Doc."

Before he could ask what that meant, Alice had grabbed the bucket and emptied the contents of her stomach into it. Jonathan had to make a very conscious effort to keep what little food he had eaten that day where it was at the moment. Kevin rubbed Alice's back and removed the IV needle from her arm.

"I'm sorry," she murmured over the bucket. Then she saw who was holding the bucket and her eyes closed again, causing Jonathan to think she had passed out again until she spoke. "This is so embarrassing."

"Nonsense," Kevin said loudly, "it could be worse."

Alice and Jonathan both looked at him in disbelief.

"What?" he responded, "you could have thrown up on the good Doc, here, instead of in the bucket."

"Does not make me feel better," Alice stated.

Jonathan placed the bucket in Kevin's hands. "Why don't I let you take her home so she can get some rest, then."

Kevin nodded. "Sure. Thanks for your help man."

Jonathan gave the sickly looking Alice one last look before climbing out of the ambulance. He waited there until Kevin situated his sister in the passenger seat with the bucket in front of her and then shut the back doors for them. He stayed standing in front of the store until the ambulance drove out of sight, trying to figure out why his heart was pounding so hard. He had been around sick people before, terminal patients even. His mother had been one for four years before she gave up the fight just a few years back. Confused by the entire situation, he headed back into the store and tried to put the entire event out of his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **Wow...I have just been blown away by the wonderful reviews! Thank you, thank you everyone!

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Three**

Jonathan was surprised to see a slightly better looking Alice in her front row seat when he arrived to class the next day. She was still pale and had dark rings under her eyes but she was there. He knew her classmates would jump on any decent excuse to sleep through his class, and some of them came just to sleep as was Lemond's case, but not her. He allowed himself a swell of pride thinking that it was because she wanted to see him, not a dedication to the material of the class. He never claimed to be a humble man, he had spent over half his childhood being humble and it never got him anywhere. It didn't allow his mother to gain anything worthwhile either.

"As I'm sure all of you are aware," he addressed the class, "this is our last class together before the final. There is no lecture today so you can wipe those bored looks from your faces. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask. If you have a full comprehension of the material we have covered, you are free to leave."

Apparently he wasn't the only arrogant one in the room as several of his students, including the football star, grabbed their stuff and made a run to the door. Mia Giovanni was left, twirling a strand of hair around her finger and studying her notes but he couldn't tell if they were psychology notes or another classes. Lemond Quiah was sound asleep in the third row and Jonathan picked up the heavy textbook on his desk and made his way over to the sleeping student. With a sadistic smile he dropped the book on the desk in front of Lemond and the student practically jumped through the desk.

"Yo man," Lemond yelled, "not cool."

Jonathan clasped his hands behind his back. "If I put you to sleep then it is only fair that I am able to wake you up as I see fit. Do you have any questions?"

"Why are you such a jerk?"

"I am afraid we don't have enough time for me to answer that question. Any psychology questions, Mr. Quiah?"

"Nah, man."

Thank God for small favors. "Then you are free to leave, Mr. Quiah."

Lemond grabbed his bag and started out of the classroom, mumbling something about Jonathan being crazy. Well, maybe he was right. Wasn't everyone crazy on some level or another? Mia was still pouring over her notes but now that he was closer he saw they weren't class notes but love notes. Jonathan rolled his eyes. Love…what a waste of energy.

"Miss Giovanni?"

She looked up startled and then seemed to notice the lack of her classmates, save for Alice on the front row, who's head was bent over her notebook and she was writing something. Mia turned to look at the clock which said it was only ten after ten.

"Do you have any questions before the psychology final?"

She bit her lower lip. "What grade do I have to get to pass?"

"A very high one."

She seemed to think about it for a moment and then seductively stretched in her chair like a cat. "Any chance for extra credit, Dr. Crane?"

He had heard of students sleeping with teachers to pass courses and he never paid too much mind to the stories that were recounted, especially in the science department. To actually be presented with the situation left him so repulsed he felt sick to his stomach and whatever grudging respect he had for his fellow teachers was annihilated. "I would settle for some extra effort on the test, Ms. Giovanni."

With an indignant huff, she folded up her love notes and left the room. He was actually grateful she was gone. He was actually afraid she would take up precious time with asinine questions and ultimately rob him of interesting conversation with Alice concerning her theories on psychology. And now that no one was the room save for them, he wouldn't have to act so formal like he had to with his other students. He pulled the chair from behind the desk at the front of the room and put it a few feet in front of Alice's choice seat on the front row. He was surprised she didn't acknowledge him and just was fiddling with her pen.

"Ms. Williams?"

"Dr. Crane," she responded without looking up.

"Is there a problem between us that I am unaware of?"

Finally, her green eyes raised and locked on his face. They looked overly bright, like she was trying not to cry. He sincerely hoped she wouldn't, he hated it when women cried. It only showed them to be weak, unable to control their own emotions. He had been disillusioned with Alice Williams enough. Thankfully, she didn't shed any tears but rather smiled in evident relief.

"I was so afraid you were going to treat me differently."

"Why is that?"

She seemed surprised at his question. "You do remember what happened at the grocery store last night, right?"

He nodded once. "Yes, I do."

"It's just some of my other teachers, like my literature teacher, they're always cutting me slack when I don't ask or need it. They'll give me extensions on papers or say I don't look well and send me down to my Dad's office. It's annoying and I was hoping you wouldn't be like one of them, especially after last night's events."

"Ah, I see." Jonathan knew all about the pity people doled out when someone dropped the word cancer in a conversation. He didn't want to get personal with one of his students but for some reason his mind wouldn't give him anything else to say at the moment. "My mother died of lung cancer four years ago. I hated it when people tip toed around me during her treatment and then…after."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Were you close with your mother?"

"Not particularly."

Alice frowned slightly. "I'm even more sorry about that."

"I take it you're close with your mother then?"

Alice smiled sadly. "My mom passed away two years ago. It was a car accident and very sudden."

"That's terrible." He didn't want tell her he was sorry, even though he was. If a child had parents that actually wanted to be parents then nothing should take that away from them. His mother never wanted him and made that obvious with her lack of affection and constant state of exasperation with him. His father, well, he doubted even his mother had been privy to that information. The impromptu confession session was getting out of hand and Jonathan had to bring them back to why they were still sitting in the empty classroom. "Did you have any questions before the final?"

"Just one," her eyes dropped down to the desk in front of her, "what classes are you teaching next semester?"

There was that swell of pride again only it was tinged with excitement. "I am afraid that the administrators have saddled me with the basic level psychology courses for this year. Perhaps next year I'll be elevated enough to teach child psychology."

Alice picked up on his joke and laughed slightly. Finally, someone who understood his humor. He glanced up at the clock and almost wished he hadn't. The class period was almost over and the only other time he would see her now was at the final. He hated the disappointed feeling that had settled in his chest.

"If you ever need to talk, you know where my office is." It was a good offer, he decided after he had said it. If she was truly interested in him, whether on an intellectual or physical level, she should show up. The ball was in her court, so to speak. Even though he secretly hoped her interest would be on the intellectual level, he was surprised to find he wasn't opposed to indulging her if she was physically attracted to him. He never put stock in physical relationships and never found enough patience to deal with addle headed girls who tried to impress him with the psychobabble they learned from Dr. Phil and self-help books. But there was something different about Alice and even though the idea of being physical close to anyone sent his skin crawling, he would tolerate it for her.

"I don't want to be a bother to you. I'm sure you have other people who can have a more intelligent conversation with you."

"Actually, no," Jonathan pushed his glasses up his nose.

Her lips quirked into a small smile. "I guess we do have to finish that conversation concerning your thesis."

He returned the smile. "Yes, we do." Her reaction sounded promising. Hopefully she would follow through. She pulled her messenger's bag into her lap and slid her notebook into it. Jonathan followed her example and gathered up his lecture notes.

"Dr. Crane?"

He looked up to see her standing in the same spot where she had been the first day of class apologizing for being late. She was holding an apple out to him.

"And this is for…?"

"I'm sorry for interrupting your shopping trip last night."

"Isn't this a bit cliché, though? A student giving a teacher an apple?"

A furrow appeared in her forehead. "I suppose but this was the only thing that I remember you having in your basket." She held it out to him again.

"Ah. I see," he responded. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, especially thinking about the condition she had been in the night before and yet, here she stood with an apple for him. He reached out and took the apple from her, his fingertips brushing her hand. The shock he felt almost caused him to drop the apple. He didn't have a chance to see if she had felt the electric current that ran down his spine as she was already out the door.

He spent the rest of the day, constantly distracted by the shiny, red apple and wondering why his nerve endings felt raw. He knew he had steeled himself for whatever interest Alice had taken in him but just that one accidental touch did something unexpected to him: he had liked it. Of course, technically, she was still his student and even after she had turned in her final, she would be a student for three and half more years. And despite the deals that were made between teachers and students, it was frowned upon for a teacher to date a student. It was just as well. She would become interested in someone more fitting for her, someone who would take care of her and treat her gently which was something he was not capable of doing. The one thing that life had taught him was you can't give what you never received.

* * *

Jonathan managed to get through another Christmas, once again reminded of his mother's untimely death. He almost believed she chose to die that day just to spite him for the rest of his life. While everyone else was huddled up with family and friends and celebrating the season, he spent the day alone, venturing out only to visit her grave. But the Christmas break didn't go by completely wasted. He used the solitude to pour himself into his research, attempting to find some kind of concoction of drugs that would alleviate fear without rendering the person completely dysfunctional. He was leery of even developing a drug like this because ultimately, he had to test it on someone.

And on the rare times, mostly before he went to sleep, his mind shifted towards Alice. He wondered how she spent Christmas. She had her father, who was very well loved in the English department though not so much in the science building as well as the smart mouth brother of hers. He knew he wouldn't see her in any of his classes during the spring semester but he held out hope that she would stop by his office soon after the semester started. He had even go onto the campus a couple times before the students arrived back just in case she was around. And then, the day before classes started, he was rewarded with a timid knock on the door.

"Dr. Crane?"

He allowed himself a pleased grin before assuming a less than interested look as he opened the door to his office. Alice must have just walked into the building, her face still flushed from the cold air. "Ms. Williams, what a surprise. Come in."

She stepped into the office, actually it was more like a glorified broom closet, and pulled the messenger's cap off of her head, shaking out her red curls. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"No, not at all," he went back behind his desk and she took the seat in front of him.

"How was your holiday?"

"Nice. And your's?"

"The same."

She gave the office a cursory glance. "My dad had some class syllabi to finish up and make copies of before tomorrow. He was going to do it at home but our computer crashed last night. I was hoping you would be here, I didn't have my heart set on folding syllabi for my Dad."

"It is quite tedious, yes."

She pointed to the stack of books on his desk. "Are you working on another thesis?"

"Not quite." He pulled the top book off the stack and handed it to her. "I was asked to do a book review, of all things, on this book. It's from the seventies."

"Oh yes," she eagerly took the beat up paperback from him. "'The Gift of Fear.' I read this. Very interesting."

"Do you agree with it? The whole 'listen to your gut' mentality?"

She gave him a small smile and handed the book back. "I do, actually. I can tell by the disgusted look on your face that you disagree though."

"I do disagree on many levels. First, I am a believer that the mind and the body are two separate entities that work independently of each other. How else can you explain a vegetative state? The body is technically dead, yet the brain continues to function. Second, if we were to rely on snap decisions and gut instincts then what is there to set us apart from the animals? We were given the ability to reason for a purpose."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Interesting perspective however I see the brain and the body as working dependently on each other. The vegetative state you were speaking of earlier, for instance. I see it as the brain is sustaining the body during that time so the brain can continue to function. If the blood does not get pumped through the heart then it will not reach the brain. If the brain does not receive the blood, it will cease to function."

"But the blood will be pumped artificially. The body is not working on it's own power."

Alice's eyes took on an almost hurt look. "Then the brain should be allowed to cease it's function. With no blood being pumped to the brain, the brain will die and stop processing thought. Without the body the brain can not function, making them intertwined."

"But is the mind different than the brain?"

She thought about that for a moment. "That would be like asking if a nerve ending is the same as feeling. It's a biological machine that produces an action or reaction. The brain processes stimuli and that is turned into thought. So I suppose the mind and the brain are two different things."

This conversation was the best he had had in weeks and Jonathan leaned back in his chair. "So what are your thoughts on instincts?"

"I believe if you take away a person's instinct, you take away something that makes them human. There is nothing more natural than instinct and I believe you can only feel that gut feeling when you're at peace with yourself and your surroundings. I think I would classify it in the same category as a feeling."

"Same as fear, then?"

She nodded her head and leaned her arms on his desk. "Absolutely. Fear is an instinctual reaction to stimuli, right? If someone jumps out of the bushes and grabs you, you're afraid. Instinct kicks in and you defend yourself but by taking away fear, the person being attacked won't fight back."

"I believe they would. If you remove the element of fear from the person who is being attacked, they are able to think clearer and make more informed decisions. By allowing more coherent thought, their chances of escape are greater."

She grinned slyly and crossed her arms in front of her. "True, as long as they don't over think the situation and act quickly. The only way to act quickly is to rely on your instinct."

Jonathan opened his mouth to respond to her but nothing came out. Reaction time...that was what he was trying to find in his drug choice. Instead of a relaxant perhaps something more along the lines of a stimulate would work better. He made a note on the corner of his desk calendar. "You are a very intelligent woman, Ms. Williams. I am impressed."

A wide smile blossomed on her face. "Why do I get the feeling you don't feel that way about many people?"

"Because I don't. You are an exception." In more ways that one, apparently. That day when she gave him the apple and he had that electric current travel down his spine never left him. He wondered what it would feel like if the touch wasn't unintended? Would she shock him into heart failure or would it just give his blood that humming buzz for an hour or so? Being the scientist he was, the desire to experiment with this situation was part of who he was as a person and ultimately, as a man.

He wanted to ask another question about her positive thoughts on fear when there was a quick rap on the door and Dr. Williams poked his head in. He was a middle aged man in good condition however his face was less than pleased at the moment.

"Dr. Crane," he greeted shortly.

"Dr. Williams."

"Al, let's go home."

Alice stood up with an apologetic smile. "This was fun, Dr. Crane. I hope I didn't bore you with my opinions."

"Not at all."

"If it's not too presumptuous," she said, "I would like to read the review when you're done."

He wasn't sure what pleased him more, Alice's request or the very annoyed look on her father's face. "I will be sure to get a copy to you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! Wow! I really have been blown away by all your praise! I hope you continue to enjoy the story! I will send Dr. Crane over to your house for a night if you can pick out the "Watching the Detectives" reference that I slipped it! (Okay, I can't really send him over...but you get the gist!)

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Four**

Alice didn't expect a busy man like Dr. Crane to even remember her name, let alone give her the book review on "The Gift of Fear" almost two months into the semester. They had passed each other in the hallway and he had pulled the magazine out of his briefcase and placed into her hands. She had read through the entire article a total of six times before returning to his office the following week. Apparently it wasn't a good day for him as he responded to her knock on the office door with an exasperated "What?" She debated whether or not she should just turn around and leave but he had thrown the door open, blue eyes flashing. The hard lines on his face softened and some of the annoyance went out of his eyes when he realized it was her.

"Oh, Ms. Williams."

She handed him the magazine. "It's a bad time, I can come back later."

"No," he closed his eyes briefly and seemed to return to his normal self. "No, it's quite alright. Please, come in."

She followed him back into the office and took the seat she had occupied the day before classes started. He returned to his chair behind the desk and threw some papers haphazardly into a manila folder with disgust.

"Freud vs. Jung essay, right?"

He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "How did you guess?"

"You seem to have a special understanding for those two and their theories so it's only logical that you take it personally when your students misinterpret or just don't care enough to get the theories right."

"Have you ever heard of Aristophanes?"

Alice nodded. "I don't know too much about him though."

He put his glasses back on, taking on the role of teacher once more. "I need to make a plaque that has one of his writings chiseled into it and put it at the front of my classroom for all my students to read. A rough translation is 'Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, and drunkenness sobered, but STUPID lasts forever.'"

Alice couldn't help but laugh at the tone he used when he spit out the word "stupid," almost as if it was the worst curse word he could think of at that moment. "Surely you don't think of all your students as stupid."

"The majority of them, yes. The rest are just lazy and unmotivated."

She could tell he was frustrated but his words stung her. She had spent hours pouring over her psychology book and cross referencing her essays. She usually spent double the time on his assignments than any of her others. "You do realize I was one of your students."

He looked momentarily shocked. "You are so far removed from any student on this campus. Surely you don't think I would place you in the same category as these morons."

She hoped her face hadn't gone as red as she felt it had. "Really?"

"Did you see a line of my students forming outside my office just dying to speak with me? They know better than to attempt to match wits with me."

"I'll try to be on my toes more."

"I wouldn't worry too much over that."

Alice was pleased to see his posture had relaxed greatly since he first opened the door. The compliments he was tossing her way wasn't hurting the situation either. "I read your article and found it very interesting."

"Interesting?"

"You already know that I support the teachings in the book, that instinct should be followed because it's the basis of what makes us human. Though your point about instinct bringing us down to the level of animals was a bit harsh."

He gave a very slight shrug. "Controversy sells. However, I do believe that if a person follows nothing but instinct then yes, they have reverted to an animalistic way of thinking."

"So does that mean that you put some stock in instinct?"

"I believe that instinct can lead us to a correct resolution of a decision, however, it should only be used in addition to reason, logic and research."

Alice nodded. "Balance, that's always a good thing." He didn't say anything else and Alice wondered if that was her cue to leave him in peace. Just when she was about to stand and leave, he took his glasses off again, laying them carefully on the desk.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She had that same jittery feeling she had when he had briefly touched her hand when he took the apple from her last semester. It wasn't unpleasant but it wasn't exactly soothing either. "No, not at all."

"How serious is your condition?"

It wasn't quite as personal as she had prepared herself for and she released the breath she had been holding. "Fairly, I suppose. I was diagnosed two years ago with the tumor and have been going through various boughts of chemo and radiation. Nothing seems to be working very well though."

"Two years of chemo?"

She knew what the question implied. "My doctor's don't know why I haven't lost my hair yet but I'm thankful for that. As you know though, I do have other side effects."

"Is it terminal?"

Alice lifted her hands, palms up in an "I don't know" gesture. "That's been the question of the day for a while now."

He leaned towards her, those blue eyes of his both sympathetic and curious. "Aren't you afraid of dying?"

Out of all his questions, that was the one that was the most personal and brought a stinging sensation to her eyes. "I used to be but after living with this for two years now, the fear of death lessens." She sniffed and forcefully pushed back the tears, forcing a smile on her face. "Besides, once you've been poked and prodded with needles and dealing with the aftermath of chemo, death can look pretty good."

He didn't return her smile like she expected him to. He just continued to stare at her, almost like he was looking through her. Finally, he picked up his glasses again but didn't put them on immediately.

"Are you doing okay?"

Alice shifted in the chair. "Depends. Are you asking as a psychiatrist or as a friend?" Friend? Was that the right word for her to use? Perhaps she should have said teacher instead.

"I'm asking as a friend."

There was that jittery feeling and she was beginning to realize what it was: she was attracted to him physically. She would readily admit being fascinated with his mind, that was why she constantly sought him out when she could and tried to prepare herself through psychology studies. She tried to swallow down the shock and excitement she felt at the revelation and scrambled for an answer to give him.

"Ms. Williams?"

"Some days are better than others."

"And today?"

She wondered briefly if any of the feelings she felt for him were reciprocated. Probably not as he was a professor and she was a student, a sixteen year old one at that. What do you know, Dr. Crane was her first school girl crush. "Today is good day, Dr. Crane."

* * *

Jonathan prepared himself for Alice's tears when he started asking questions concerning her cancer but was surprised when she controlled them. She was truly a surprising individual that was gaining his respect each encounter they had. Her responses to his questions showed she was dealing with this situation with a hundred times more grace than his mother ever did. And through all this, he was developing a soft spot for her, the first person ever to elicit such an emotional reaction from him. It was something that he was willing to embrace for her sake.

"On your bad days," he offered with as much sincerity that he muster, "you are more than welcome to come here. Whatever you need, I will do my best to offer it to you. If you want to talk, I'll listen and if you want to just sit in silence, I can do that too."

Now, the tears came even though she was trying to smile through them. "Thank you."

Her tears didn't lessen her as a person in his eyes, not this time. In fact, he was very pleased by them. It proved his original thought that her father and brother were too overbearing and didn't give her the space she needed to cope with her illness. By offering her that freedom, he had become her friend and she his. Possibly the first one in his life, aside from that god awful scarecrow head. Perhaps it was time to get rid of that thing.

Alice had swiped away her tears and smiled broadly. "I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to me. It means a lot."

"It's not one sided, believe me." The desire to reach out and touch her hit him again but that was something that would need to occur off of the campus grounds. There were too many people around that could cause trouble for the both of them if they misinterpreted an innocent touch…well, almost innocent at least. She stood up and he did as well. She didn't say good-bye and he took that a positive sign that she would be back soon. He watched as she walked down the hallway and turned the corner out of his line of sight. With a resigned sigh, he went back to the half-baked essays that were sitting on his desk.

He was beginning to doubt his openness with Alice when two weeks passed and he hadn't seen her at all. He didn't know her class schedule for this semester and feared that she may be in the hospital. He listened closely to the rumor mills, even stepping foot in the English department but no one was speaking of Dr. William's ill daughter. He tried to console himself in that she was just busy and would seek him out when she could but he still felt a nervousness that he had pushed her too far.

It was a chilly spring morning, complete with fine drizzle that drove him into the Starbucks on his way into the office. It was spring break so there were no classes and no students, which suited him just fine. He was taking the time to start creating the drug combo that would be needed to take away people's fear. Of course, he hadn't physically gotten his hands on any of the drugs yet but it was progressing on paper. His thoughts were completely taken up with the drug combos that he almost ran into a young woman who was rushing through the door. He had a smart comment to fling her way when an emotionally distraught Alice looked up at him. Concern overrode any slighted transgression of manners at the sight of the numerous tears falling down her face.

"Ms. Williams?"

"Now's not a good time, Dr. Crane."

She tried to move past him but the shakiness in her voice caused him to follow her down the street. She was almost jogging, but his legs were longer and he caught up quickly. "Has something happened?"

"It's stupid, really." She tugged her coat tighter around her. "Please, don't bother yourself with me."

"Nonsense. Please-"

"Alice, wait up!"

Jonathan turned around to see a young man that was vaguely familiar to him…ah yes, one of students from this semester. Mediocre, not a horrible student. Sean Randall, that's right. Sean stopped a couple feet from where Jonathan and Alice had stopped, his gaze flipping back and forth between the two.

"D-Dr. Crane."

"Mr. Randall."

He looked on the verge of asking Jonathan to leave which only made him plant his feet firmly to the pavement, that feeling of protectiveness coming over him with Alice still crying and sniffling next to him. Sean opted for addressing Alice instead.

"Al, look, I'm really sorry. It wasn't what it looked like."

Alice slammed her foot down on the pavement in a childish fit of rage. "You told me we couldn't do anything because you were going to visit your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia!"

"I know, but-"

"Then I see you come in the café with Tina!"

"We ran into each other! That's all!"

"It's been three days into Spring Break and you never called to tell me your plans fell through."

"I'm sorry, Al. Look, let me take you out to dinner tonight. Lightsides, you liked Lightsides."

Alice shook her head, her curls swinging. "No, I don't think so."

Sean's face contorted from pleading to anger. "Don't be like this, Al. Come on."

"Be like what Sean? Upset at seeing my boyfriend with the campus mattress!"

Jonathan had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Alice had a sharp tongue on her in an emotional argument. But all humor at her comment faded instantly when he saw Sean reach in front of him and grab a hold of Alice's arm. Alice let out a yelp and before his mind registered what he was doing, his hand was wrapped around Sean's forearm.

"Mr. Randall, I would kindly suggest you release Ms. Williams."

Sean looked irately from Alice back to Jonathan but after a few moments he released Alice and Jonathan relinquished his hold on Sean.

"Oh, I get it," Sean said snidely.

"Based on your grade in my class, I highly doubt that," Jonathan snapped back.

Sean looked back at Alice before turning to Jonathan. "Now I know why she aced your class, _Dr. _Crane."

Jonathan pushed his glasses up on his nose. "I suggest you keep comments like that to yourself, Mr. Randall, before you find yourself in the Dean's office for spreading vicious rumors and slander."

Sean gave both of them a nasty look before stalking away in the direction of the coffee shop. Jonathan turned back to Alice who had regained some of her composure but was still teary eyed. He felt assaulted with the desire to comfort her but he didn't know how. Put his arm around her? Hug her? Of course, logic won out in the end and he just asked.

"Can I do anything for you, Ms. Williams?"

"You didn't really give me my A in your class, did you, Dr. Crane?"

"Not at all. You earned that yourself, never doubt that."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry, really. I didn't mean that."

He took a deep breath, screwed up his courage and laid a hand on her shoulder. "I know you didn't. Why don't we go to the Starbucks two blocks over and you can have Kevin come pick you up?"

She nodded slowly. "Alright."

He dropped his hand, his mind processing the feel of her coat and thin shoulder under his hand. She didn't shock him into oblivion but it was that same thrilling, electric buzz from before just not as surprising as when they made actual skin contact. She followed mutely by his side the entire two blocks to the Starbucks. He watched her pick a table by the front window and pull out her cell phone. He took the opportunity to order a coffee for himself and a hot tea for Alice. He hoped he wasn't being too presumptuous by doing that but Alice looked like she needed something soothing and warm.

"I hope you're not opposed to chamomile tea," he said, sitting the cup down in front of her.

"Oh, you didn't have to do that Dr. Crane. Here," she reached for her purse but he held up a hand, stopping her.

"Please, it's the least I can do."

She sighed tiredly and he could see the ever present dark rings under her green eyes. "You've done plenty for me. Thank you, again."

"I'm glad I could help." And he was. "Were you able to reach your brother?"

She nodded and wrapped a hand around the mug. "He'll be here in a half hour. He just received an emergency call but he'll be here after that."

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired," she smiled wearily. "How have you been?"

"Busy."

"More book reviews?"

He shook his head. "No, no more book reviews. I'm actually working on more of a personal project."

She perked up slightly at that. "Are you able to talk about it at all, Dr. Crane?"

He thought about it for a moment. She seemed eager to know about it and based on their previous conversations, her mind was agile enough to keep up with his. Perhaps having an assistant would make the research and assembly accelerate. "Yes, I am able to talk about it if you're interested."

"Of course I am, Dr. Crane."

"Well, first things first then," he was going to test her to see just how well she would listen to him. "This is a very personal project that I've poured many years into and the fact that I'm sharing it with you puts us past the regular formalities." He paused. "Alice."

She smiled slightly. "Very well, Jonathan."

He had to suppress an actual shiver than shook his body when she said his name. He was completely unprepared for that kind of physical reaction just from her saying his name. Perhaps this was a bad idea. He very well could be getting in over his head.

"Is something wrong?"

He composed himself only to find Alice had tugged on his coat sleeve, her thin fingers still had the material between them. He secretly hated himself for giving in to impulse but he did it anyway, the drive was too strong and the opportunity was too perfect. He turned his hand over and let Alice's fall into his. Reverently, he closed his fingers around her hand and had to fight the urge to close his eyes and just relish the feeling. The truth of the matter was, he couldn't remember the last time he had willingly touched someone just because he wanted to.

"Jonathan?"

His focus snapped to the woman seated across from him. "Yes?"

She bit her lower lip nervously but she didn't pull her hand away. "How, uh, how old do you think I am?"

That wasn't a question he expected. "You're eighteen."

She broke eye contact briefly. "Actually, my father changed my age on the school website so no one would give me a hard time or a really easy one."

Could it be true? Could she be a prodigy as well? He had to quell the excitement that was rising up inside of him. "Really?"

"I'm seventeen. Well, I will be in the next two weeks."

She was a prodigy and a large swell of pride filled his chest. His Alice…child genius and interested in him and his work. He gave her fingers a gently squeeze and realized she was nervous about that announcement. If only she knew his true feelings of relief and amazement.

"If you're worried about us breaking taboos," he lowered his voice so no one else could hear their conversation, "I can assure you that is not one of my concerns."

She looked down at the entwined hands. "Really? My age doesn't bother you?"

"There's five years difference between us, that's hardly a scandal. However, I am sitting in a public place, holding the hand of an underage student. If I'm willing to do that, I highly doubt the age issue is going to turn me away from you."

She regarded him seriously for a few moments. "You are the first person in my life to treat me as an adult."

"The number of years that you've been around is different from your age. You are much older than your years."

"Now," she grinned, still keeping her hand in his, "tell me about this project you're working on."


	5. Chapter 5

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Five**

Alice told anyone who asked that she was participating in a study group that met three times a week. The only one who was remotely suspicious was her father, who was well aware of most of the study groups on the campus. She hated sneaking around behind her father's back but he had already shown displeasure at her choice of major, psychology, as well as the brief, polite exchanges he had witnessed between her and Dr. Crane on the campus. She smiled to herself, not Dr. Crane…Jonathan.

They met mostly in his office after the teachers had called it a day but since finals were coming up most teachers had extended hours for tutoring. When he suggested they take their meetings to his apartment, she knew that crossed the line of impropriety and yet, here she was, knocking on his door. Their entire relationship had jump the line of decency a long time ago though. True, Jonathan had remained perfectly gentlemanly towards her but she was well aware of her own sabotaging behavior. Like tonight, despite the chill to the night, she waited for him to unlock the door, shivering in her short sleeved t-shirt. The door opened and his greeting smile turned quickly into concern.

"Alice, you're freezing."

She shrugged. "I walked over and was fine till I stopped." And according to plan, his fingers brushed her bare arms, causing more goose bumps to form. Her reactions to his touches were always the same, a chilly shiver that ran through her body. She briefly wondered if he felt anything when he touched her?

"Let me get you something to put on," he closed the door behind her and quickly left the room.

She set her school bag down on the floor and looked around the place he called home. She had expected it to be a typical bachelor's pad: messy with second hand furniture and papers strewn everywhere. She knew how her brother lived but Jonathan's place was neat with comfortable looking furnishings. The homey feeling that it exuded surprised her since his office at the college was so austere.

"Here," he handed her a gray sweater, "this should work."

"Thank you," she tugged it over her head and tried to hide a well pleased smile when the fabric smelled not of detergent but his cologne. She cleared her throat and tried to silence the chaotic, hormonal driven thoughts in her head. He would probably be appalled at the direction her thoughts had taken. "So, what are we working on tonight?"

"I think I have a list of the drugs that can be combined for the prescription but we still have to figure out how much to use of each."

"Excellent."

"Would you like some tea? I have chamomile."

"That would be great."

He motioned for her to sit down at the dark wood table that looked like it was used more as an office desk than a dining table. She sat down in one of the four chairs and pulled the open notebook he had sitting there towards her. She was reading over the list of drugs, some legal some not, that he had made as possibilities. Some were starred and some were crossed out and she was fascinated in seeing on paper how his brain worked. It was a beautiful thing. The sound of a cup being placed in front of her alerted her to him taking the chair next to hers.

"You do realize," she said, handing the notebook back to him, "your handwriting is far too nice for a doctor."

A brief smile touched his lips. "Yes, well, penmanship was considered to be a virtue by my great grandmother."

"Great grandmother? Not too many people have the advantage of knowing their great grandparents. What was she like?"

"A religious fanatic with a taste for sadism towards boys who read psychology books."

Alice felt all the curiosity drain from her and was replaced with absolute horror. "I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't. Most people were blessedly ignorant to the kind of woman she was, including those who called her friend." He waved a hand dismissively. "This is horribly off topic." He put the notebook down between them. "Any thoughts?"

_Plenty, _Alice wanted to say. They were sitting very close to each other and she was able to get a better view of his face. He must have taken after his mother, his facial features were so very feminine: long lashes over those unearthly blue eyes, high pronounced cheekbones and pale skin most women would kill for. But when placed together with his demeanor, he gave the fragile features a very masculine look but he still looked very breakable. How could someone, a parental figure, cause harm to anyone as frail as him?

She realized she was taking too long to respond when she saw his jaw tense. He had the decency not to give her pity when she told him about the cancer and she needed to return the favor. "I know we decided to use a combination of an anti-anxiety medication, coupled with a low dose of an anti-depressant, a stimulant and a relaxant, correct?"

The tension left his face immediately. "Yes. I was thinking of using a tricyclic antidepression drug like Pamelor that would deal with the anxiety levels that fear produces as well as releasing serotonin. Of course, the serotonin levels will need to be elevated even more than what the Pamelor will do, so I thought the choice of bupropion would be sufficient as that raises serotonin levels and acts as a stimulant. The only problem then is what drug to use as a relaxant, to keep the patient calm enough to act but not be in an overly medicated daze?"

Alice ran down the list of drugs that he had listed under "relaxants," crossing each one off mentally. All of them would overpower the stimulant, even in the smallest dose and she knew he didn't want to run the risk of over stimulating the patient either. She stayed quiet, lost in listing drugs in her head and Jonathan didn't say anything either. She wrapped her hand around her mug of tea and took a sip.

"That's it!" she exclaimed.

"What is?"

"Herbs." Why didn't she think of it before? "They're easy and legal to get a hold of, little to no side effects and they come in tablet form. You can use chamomile or even cat nip. Both are natural relaxants. And don't give me that look," she tried to look like she was scolding him for the suspicious look of doubt he was giving her. "My parents tried the natural healing route when I was diagnosed and even though it didn't come close to curing the cancer, it did help with the symptoms. I still rely on some of it when the chemo side effects get to be too much."

His doubt slowly turned to thoughtful speculation. "Herbs. It couldn't hurt to try."

"How were you planning on getting the prescription drugs?"

He gave her a slightly skeptical look. "Not in the most ethical way, why?"

"I was just curious. Besides, you said ethics don't really apply to people like us."

He turned in his chair to face her better. "I thought you disagreed with me on that?"

"I did," she admitted. "But then I starting thinking about all the historical heroes that discovered breakthroughs, whether in science or medicine or even politically. They had to break the rules of society to get society to change for the better. Women were thrown into jail, beaten and abused just because they wanted the right to vote. They were considered criminals, they broke the law. But where would we be without them enduring that injustice?"

A slow, pleased smile crept across his face. "I've turned you into an idealist."

"I think I already was one, you just fine tuned it for me."

* * *

He had never felt prouder as he did listening to Alice talk about overturning ethics to change society. She was animated, alive with the idea of being part of something groundbreaking and he realized just how beautiful she was. Even sitting there in her jeans and his sweater, she was radiant. And she was his and his alone. He knew it sounded overly obsessive but looking into her eyes, he realized her loyalties were only to him. She ended her speech about societal change and was waiting for a response from him.

"I've turned you into an idealist," he told her, a pleased smile on his face. She returned the grin.

"I think I already was one, you just fine tuned it for me."

_How true, _he conceded to himself. He only expected a wonder drug to come of these meetings but he had discovered a sharp minded, quick witted woman who had the same ideals he did. He wouldn't venture too far into the territory of emotions, such as "love" or "affection" but he did understand appreciation. And that was what he felt for her, appreciation over the work of art that he had created out of her. She shifted in her chair slightly.

"What's that look for?" she asked. He could hear a slight nervous tremble in her voice.

"I'm just very impressed with you, that's all."

She visibly shivered when he touched her shoulder and he finally could hear his inner voice of reason screaming at him to put the appropriate space between them. He knew that she was now seventeen but she was still underage and he had always been a firm believer in the power of the mind over the body. He could handle this and he did, by dropping his hand and sitting back in his chair. Alice looked slightly disappointed at his retreat but that shifted into something else. He watched as the color left her face and her eyes slowly closed.

"Alice?"

She tipped forward and he grabbed her shoulders again, only in an effort to keep her upright in the chair. Her head lolled back against the chair and he knew she couldn't stay there. He easily picked her up, just like he had at the grocery store a lifetime ago, and laid her down on the couch. He didn't have an IV so he made due with a water bottle with a watered down version of Gatorade in it. He sat on the side of the couch, water bottle in one hand and Alice's cold one in the other. It took about ten minutes before she opened her eyes again. Once she realized what happened, she covered her face with her free hand.

"Are you going to be sick?"

Her lips, the only thing visible to him, trembled. "No."

"Do you want something to drink?"

It took her a few seconds to regain control of her emotions but she managed it and slowly sat up, taking the water bottle from him. "Thank you."

"I'll walk you home when you feel up to it."

"I'll be alright. You don't have to do that."

"Nonsense."

It took her about half an hour before she was able to stand up without wobbling. All mutual attraction between them was gone, replaced by a protector and protected dynamic. Alice was exhausted and quiet, her head lowered the entire time she gathered her bag and followed him down the hallway and onto the street. She lived four blocks from his apartment building and thankfully she didn't question how he knew where to go. She stumbled a couple times and he hoped no one recognized them when he put an arm around her shoulder to steady her.

"I'm sorry, Jonathan."

"That's quite alright."

"It's been a long day."

"Apparently."

She pushed herself away from him slightly and he released her, albeit reluctantly. "I'm really sorry about all this."

"Please, don't worry about it. This isn't something you can control."

He saw her bite her lower lip and look down at her hands. There was still a couple blocks to go before they reached her father's townhouse. "Jonathan, I don't know if I can keep doing this with you."

His footing stumbled at the announcement. "What? Why not?"

She silently rested a hand over her heart and he understood. The excitement was too much for her. Her brother had said the tumor was pushing on her heart and she passed out when the heart couldn't get enough blood through it and to the rest of her body. Excitement, like she displayed over breaking social boundaries and yes, he hated to admit it, arousal all caused her heart rate to go up. This was not healthy for her, not in the least, and he mentally kicked himself for not realizing this sooner.

"I really want to help," she said, pleadingly.

"I know you do. Perhaps we just need to find something less exciting for you to do."

She finally smiled, brief as it was. "I hope you're not disappointed with me."

"Never. You have never disappointed me." He caught her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. "You intrigue me."

They were one block from her home when she stopped, causing him to turn and face her. It was late at night and he had a hard time distinguishing her facial expression. She still kept hold of his hand, as if she needed to keep him near her. "What, Alice?"

"I don't want you to find something less exciting for me to do. I want you to keep treating me the way you always have. I want you to give me research, ask my opinion on the drugs and dosage." She took a deep breath. "And if you ever want to kiss me, I don't want you to be afraid to do it."

Her bluntness on the matter left him momentarily speechless. "Alice, I-"

"I don't mean right now," she pulled her hand away from his. "You know what, forget I said anything. I'm not thinking right."

"No," he grabbed her arm when she tried to walk past her. "There's nothing wrong with your thinking. I appreciate your honesty and being up front concerning our situation. But I don't want you to get your hopes up about us falling in love over time and being that way happily ever after. That doesn't happen, not in this life." He knew this would hurt her but it was the truth. "I don't even know if I believe in love. It's too changeable and weak of an emotion to base anything on, especially a relationship."

She nodded slowly. "I see."

He could tell from the tone of her voice that she didn't understand but she accepted it and that was all he was asking for at the moment. He softened his grip on her arm, rubbing his thumb over the material of his sweater that she was still wearing. The tension started to leave her shoulders and he felt her relax under his hand. Oh hell, what would one kiss hurt? He gave her a slight tug and she stepped closer to him, the hazy moonlight showed how wide her eyes had gotten. She really was pretty. Just when he started to lean down towards her, someone shouted her name and he jumped back from her.

"Alice!"

Jonathan saw her shove her trembling hands into her jean pockets. "Kevin?"

"I thought that was you," her older brother came walking over to them. Jonathan watched as recognition came over Kevin's face and it quickly turned to suspicion. "Dr. Crane, what brings you out here this late at night with my sister?"

"She was walking home from her study group when we passed each other. I thought it unsafe for her to be walking around at night so I offered to walk her home."

"And," Alice spoke up, "as you can see I let him."

"I can take her the rest of the way, Dr. Crane." Kevin was staring at him shrewdly.

"Very well," he nodded to Alice. "Good night, Ms. Williams."

"Good night, Dr. Crane. And thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Six**

Alice glared dangerously at the back of her brother's head. She couldn't believe after Jonathan's little speech about his less than confident belief in love that he still had pulled her towards him and acted like he was going to kiss her. In fact, she was almost certain that he was going to kiss her until Kevin showed up. She could still feel Jonathan's hand on her arm, drawing her closer to him…

"So what's the real story?"

Kevin's question jarred her out of her day dream about what might have happened if they hadn't been interrupted. Her annoyance came back full force. "That was the real story."

Kevin laughed shortly. "A professor from your college doesn't just stumble across you walking a couple blocks from home, offer to walk you the rest of the way and try to weasel a kiss out of it."

"He wasn't weaseling a kiss out of me," she muttered.

"Look, Al," Kevin put an arm around her. "I know you've been really upset about that jerk of a boyfriend Sean but running to the first pervert professor isn't going to help matters."

Alice surprised herself by actually elbowing her brother in the ribs. He jerked sideways, holding his side. "He's not a pervert, Kevin! He's been really kind to me."

Kevin's green eyes narrowed. "Yeah, I can see that."

Alice looked down and realized what Kevin was looking at: Jonathan's sweater. "I forgot my coat and he was good enough to lend this to me."

"I just don't want to see you taken advantage of, Al. There's something I don't like about Dr. Crane, that's all."

"Well, I do like him. And he's never done anything to even remotely hint at taking advantage of me. That day you picked me up at the Starbucks?"

"That day I caught you two holding hands?"

It was Alice's turn to narrow her eyes. "He bought me tea, without asking for anything in return. And I liked it when he held my hand." She advanced on her brother and jammed a finger into his chest. "And I'm sure I would have liked it when he kissed me."

"Alice," he grabbed her by the shoulders, the touch so very different from Jonathan's. Kevin touched her like he was afraid she would break where Jonathan, though gentle, was always sure and purposefully. "Do not get involved with a guy that is first, your professor and second, that much older than you. Trust me, coming from another guy, there's only one thing that's going through our minds."

"He's not my professor anymore and he's not that much older than me either. Besides," she swallowed the tears of frustration, "you know I might not make it through the summer so let me do what makes me happy for a change."

"You could also be cancer free at the end of the summer too. Think about that. Do you want to have your life back, no chemo, no sickness and find yourself stuck with some reptilian genius of a professor that might not be too happy about you wanting to live your life like a normal college girl that you are?"

Alice prided herself on her ability to control her emotions but tonight just drained too much from her. Her control was nonexistent and she felt tears slip down her face. "He's not reptilian!" She was shouting now and finding it hard to breathe. "He's not some pervert preying on his students," she gasped for breath, "and he's twenty-two years old!"

"Al, okay, okay." Kevin was trying to hold her up but she felt the sidewalk connect with her knees. "Just calm down, alright?"

Alice was sobbing and gasping but she found it felt good in a way. She was releasing the anger at her brother, as well as the rest of the world for not understanding people like Jonathan Crane and herself, but it was also a confession. She didn't know when she started saying the words, she just realized she was saying them mid-sentence and couldn't stop. "I love him, Kev. I honestly love him."

"Okay, Al."

Kevin's face was starting to blur and all she wanted to do was go to sleep now. She started to lay down and just before her eyes closed she could have sworn she heard not only Kevin's voice calling her but Jonathan's as well. She chalked it up to wishful thinking and let herself pass out again.

* * *

Jonathan left Alice and her brother but he didn't go that far. He wondered what Alice's reaction was going to be and convinced himself he was following them from the shadows on a scientific observation. But he knew he was just looking for reassurance of Alice's feelings towards him even though he was incapable of reciprocating them. Well, he could try at least.

He had to stop when they there about half a block from their house because an apparent shouting match had started after Alice elbowed her brother in the ribs. He couldn't hear everything, but he could see that Alice was enraged and crying. He fought the urge to intervene, knowing that she already passed out once tonight due to elevated heart rate. Hopefully her brother knew enough of her condition to calm her which is what it looked like he was attempting to do. But Alice was too far gone now and when she collapsed on the sidewalk, Jonathan took off, running towards them. Alice was almost out by the time he reached her but he could have sworn he heard her say that she loved "him." Whether she was speaking of her brother, father or possibly he himself, though he doubted the latter.

"Alice!" he shouted, only to have Kevin jump in surprise at his sudden appearance but Alice's eyes had rolled back in her head and her breath was coming in staccato gasps. Kevin was staring blankly at him. "Call an ambulance."

Kevin snapped out of his stupor. "Were the hell were you? Hiding in the bushes?"

Jonathan lifted Alice by the shoulders, cradling her against him as he dug out his cell phone and shoved it at Kevin. "Call the damn ambulance."

Kevin snatched the phone from him and did what Jonathan asked. He didn't have any water for her this time or a couch to put her on. He shrugged out of his coat and wrapped Alice up in it. He and Kevin spent the six minutes waiting for the ambulance in complete silence and glaring daggers at each other. When they heard the siren in the distance did Kevin say something to him.

"She said she loves you."

It was said in an angry clipped tone but it touched something deep inside of him. He didn't remember anyone in his life ever saying that about him and instead of making him uncomfortable with the idea, he accepted it with relief.

"If you don't love her," Kevin said slowly, "you walk away now and don't ever come back. She deserves better than this."

His admittance of caring for her (he was still leery of the word love) was for Alice's ears only so he stood up with Alice in his arms and just stated simply, "I'm staying."

The ambulance pulled up beside them and Kevin nodded to the paramedics, apparently knowing them. Jonathan heard the female paramedic call Alice by name after he had placed her on the gurney, gently urging the girl the wake up. The other paramedic handed Jonathan his coat back and he took that as his dismissal as they started her on an IV and the driver returned behind the wheel.

"You coming, Kev?" the woman asked.

"No, I gotta get Dad." Kevin turned to Jonathan. "But he'll go."

She gave a slight reprimanding look to Kevin who stayed stone faced. Finally, she sighed. "Alright. Get up here."

Jonathan scrambled up into the ambulance, sat where she motioned to and buckled himself up on the bench seat on the other side of Alice. Kevin shut the back doors and the vehicle took off, siren still wailing. He was surprised at how much worse she looked now than in his apartment and he hoped it was just a trick of the harsh lighting in the ambulance. She wasn't just pale, she was bordering on white which made the dark rings under her eyes look like bruises. He reached out and took just the tips of her fingers since the IV was connected to the hand closest to him and he just stared at her until they reached the ER.

Before the back doors opened, the female paramedic told him what to do. "Since you're not family, you're really not suppose to have ridden with us. Don't say anything to anyone and wait outside for Kevin to show up and then come in with him. Understand?"

Jonathan nodded mutely and reluctantly released Alice's hand as they took the gurney out of the ambulance and wheeled it out of sight. He half heartedly unbuckled himself but continued to just sit there and stare at the empty space where Alice had been. The paramedic left and it seemed just a moment later when someone knocked on the open back door. Jonathan turned to see Kevin standing there.

"Sue said that you were still sitting in here."

"How is she?"

"Don't know yet. My dad is finding out now. Look, I didn't tell him that you were here. If you just want to go, I'll call you with news but if you go in there, he's going to start asking questions."

"Why the big change?"

Kevin frowned. "Something Alice said, about her wanting to do something to make her happy. I've never seen her fight so hard for something before and then you showed up being all protective…" he ended with a shrug. "I don't know anymore. I just want her happy."

Jonathan knew what he wanted to do…go into the hospital and wait to hear about Alice's condition and see her awake and smiling before he left. But he didn't want her to wake up with her father and him arguing, causing her more stress. Kevin had made a surprising turn around and Jonathan stepped out on that shaky ground. "What do you think Alice would want?"

Kevin was quiet for a moment. "She would want you in there."

Jonathan nodded and climbed out of the ambulance, following Kevin into the bustling ER. It didn't take long for him to find Dr. Williams, frowning sullenly at one of the doctors. His frown only deepened when he saw Jonathan following behind the Kevin, but the consultation with the doctor continued and Jonathan kept his distance as Kevin went to stand by his father. After a few minutes, Dr. Williams came stalking over to him and Jonathan braced himself for the confrontation that was about to start.

"How long have you been seeing my daughter?"

"Define 'seeing?'"

"Don't play these games with me," Dr. Williams voice dropped to almost growl, "I want to know what you did to my daughter."

Before he could open his mouth to defend himself, Kevin interrupted them.

"Dad, they're taking her back to the OR now."

Dr. Williams gave Jonathan a scathing look. "I'll have you before the educational board before the week it out, Crane."

The threat didn't bother him and he let it show. Circumstantial evidence was all Williams had which would be refuted by Alice when she was questioned. Who knew, maybe Kevin would speak on his behalf since Alice's happiness mattered to him now. Williams tried to win the staring contest but Jonathan was confident in not being dismissed for unprofessional conduct by the board and soon the older man turned his back and walked back to where another doctor was waiting. Kevin stayed with Jonathan.

"How is she?" Jonathan asked.

"They're rushing her into emergency surgery. She had a surgery planned for this summer after finals were done to remove the tumor but she told them this is the second time she passed out today. That coupled with high heart rate, they decided to go ahead with the surgery tonight."

"Is it risky?" He didn't know why he asked, he already knew the answer.

"Yeah. The tumor is right on her heart. It's not going to be a quick surgery. If you give me your number, I promise to call you as soon as she's out of surgery."

He had classes first thing in the morning. Finals were two weeks and his thick headed students were bombarding him with inane questions now. Well, let a substitute deal with them. "No, I'll stay."

"And endure the Spanish Inquisition with my father?"

"It doesn't matter. It'll give me something to do to pass the time."

"My father will have you before the board for this."

"Once again, that doesn't matter. Nothing inappropriate has happened between us and Alice will attest to that when she can."

"If she can."

Jonathan closed his eyes. He didn't want to think of that outcome. For the first time in his life he had someone who wanted to be around him, with him and share in his work. She had told her brother that she loved him. He wasn't ready to give that up yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the short chapter...even though I really liked how this chapter turned out, it was like pulling teeth writing it! Apparently I have hit the writing wall so to speak...but I am pleased with how this turned out.

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Seven**

Jonathan sat in the operating waiting room with Dr. Williams all the way on the other side and Kevin in and out of the room for the entire nine hours of waiting. There were only two other people in the room with them, a middle aged woman with a teenage daughter. He had caught snippets of information from the nurses that came in to speak with the female duo to hear that the patriarch of the family was in surgery for a massive heart attack. Seven hours into waiting for news of Alice, the doctor himself came in to deliver bad news to the two women.

He never was one to sympathize with people but seeing their reactions was like watching a car accident, he did so with morbid curiosity. The tears, the pain…the support they had together as mother and daughter. It made the reality of Alice's doctor coming through those doors with similar news for them very tangible. Dr. Williams had Kevin and vise versa but, once again, where would he gain his support to deal with Alice's loss? He had only his work but instead of having Alice's help he would be back to being alone. Alone. He had spent the better part of his life like that so why was he uncomfortable with the idea now?

Kevin came rushing back into the room. "The doctor's on his way."

Dr. Williams stood up and Jonathan did the same, though still keeping his distance from the elder man. True to Kevin's word, the doctor came in a few seconds later.

"Dr. Williams?"

"Yes."

The doctor's tired eyes roamed over Kevin and Jonathan but went back to addressing Dr. Williams. "The surgery went well and we were able to remove the entire tumor. There has been some mild damage to her heart but medication can help in that situation."

"Does that mean the cancer is gone?" Jonathan asked, surprising himself at his boldness.

"It means it's in remission. As long as it hasn't metastasized in another part of the body then she'll remain in remission for five years. After those five years then she'll be declared cancer free." The doctor turned back to Kevin and his father. "She's in recovery right now but will be moved down to ICU for a few days. I'll let you know when you can see her in ICU but I must ask that you keep the visit short. Her heart still needs some time to heal from the surgery."

The three of them nodded their heads in understanding and the doctor left them with the promise of returning in the next few minutes. No sooner was the doctor gone then Dr. Williams turned on him. Jonathan was surprised it hadn't come sooner.

"You can go now, Crane."

Kevin gave him a slightly apologetic look. "They won't let you into the ICU. They're really strict about that here."

Dr. Williams crossed his arms. "I'll make sure they won't let you into her hospital room either. You are to stay away from my daughter."

Jonathan tried to put the elation he was feeling at Alice's successful story out of his facial expression, expressing nothing but cool indifference. "I believe that would be up to Alice."

"No, it's not." Williams took a step towards him but Jonathan held his ground. "She is seventeen years old, Crane. I'll file a complaint with the education board at the University but don't push me to file legal charges against you as well."

"Legal charges? For what?" Now his annoyance with the man was starting to boil over into mild anger. "I haven't done anything illegal with or to your daughter."

"We'll see about that."

"Dad," Kevin interjected, "Look, bringing up charges against Dr. Crane is only going to upset Alice and she can't afford that right now."

Dr. Williams and Jonathan both gave Kevin a very surprised look which he ignored and continued.

"I can't explain it but she really likes him," he gave Jonathan a knowing look when he said the word "like." They both knew it went beyond that but to inform her father of that knowledge would be detrimental to whatever case Kevin was trying to present. "She's going to get really worked up if you cut him out of her life right now."

Dr. Williams narrowed his eyes. "What are you saying?"

Kevin swallowed nervously. "When they move Alice to the regular room, let him come visit her. It'll make her happy. And as for the educational board, let it go for now. At least until Alice is strong enough to cope with losing her favorite professor. And you know if that happens, she's going to blame herself for it."

Dr. Williams looked suddenly defeated but quickly regained his steely resolve as he turned to Jonathan. "Fine, but when you visit her, I or Kevin will be there. You're not allowed to be alone with her. Ever." He sighed in defeat. "I'll not go to the educational board this time but the next time you step out of line, I will fight the issue till you're out. Do you understand?"

"Perfectly."

"Good."

Jonathan knew he was dismissed and realized he had no more reason to wait. Kevin was right, they wouldn't let him in the ICU so he shrugged back into his coat and started for the door. When he turned around, Kevin made a hand gesture towards him to let him know he would call him, most likely when Alice had been moved to the regular ward. He nodded in understanding and left the hospital. He normally wasn't given to compromise and allow restrictions to be thrown on him but once again, when it came Alice, his normality was thrown to the wind.

* * *

"You called him, right Kevin?"

"Yes," her brother responded with great exasperation. "For the fifth time, yes, Alice. I called Dr. Crane."

"Did you talk to him or leave a message?"

"I spoke with him. He said he would be here after his last student finished their final."

Alice shifted in the hospital bed, trying to find a comfortable spot but after a week of lying in bed, nothing was comfortable anymore. "When is Dad coming?"

Her brother's eyes were glued to a basketball game, apparently one he missed last night. "Said he wouldn't be here till the end of visiting hours. Grading exams or...COME ON REF!"

Alice rolled her eyes. "You yell like that again the nurse is going to come in and yell at you."

"No, she wouldn't. It's Irene."

"Irene, huh? What's the story with Irene?"

"HOW DO YOU MISS A FOUL SHOT!"

Alice grinned at a passing nurse that stuck her head into the room. "I think my brother needs a sedative."

The nurse smiled slightly and kept going about her regular rounds. Her brother kept intermittently yelling at the TV and Alice tried to keep her excitement at seeing Jonathan again to a minimum. It was proving slightly problematic as she hadn't seen him since her surgery. She wanted to see him, very badly, but the thought of his impeccable style almost made her feel too ashamed for him to see her in her flannel panda pajamas and hair in a messy ponytail of wild curls. But she missed him terribly, and that caused her chest hurt on top of the physical pain it was already enduring. She glanced over at the door again and there he was, briefcase in hand, glasses perched on his nose and, as always, in a suit and tie. He must have come straight from class. Before she could even greet him, her brother did it for her.

"Hey, Jon."

Alice's head whipped around and focused on her antsy brother, who was still watching the game. "'Jon?' Since when did you start calling him 'Jon?'"

Jonathan dropped his briefcase by the visitor's chair and folded his tall form into it. "Your brother and I have seemed to form a strange type of bond over the last week."

"Really?" Just when she thought she couldn't get better news than the tumor being removed, there it was. "Kevin, that true?"

"Yeah," her brother said, "Yeah, yeah...bonded...PASS! PASS!"

"Well," Alice turned back to Jonathan. "I guess God is still working miracles then."

"That's what I hear, Miss Remission."

Alice could hear her heart rate monitor bleeping slightly faster than she had heard it over the last few days. She tried to calm down but seeing him sitting there, obviously pleased at her health report destroyed all efforts of calming herself. "So tell me about this bonding you and my brother did?"

"He called me every night after he left here to give me an update on your progress, which was very kind of him."

She eyed her brother. "Yeah, he can be nice when he wants to be."

"So, how do you feel?"

"Much better." She held her hand out to him but he pointedly looked over at her brother.

"What, him? Oh please, the dirt I have on him."

"What?" Kevin turned around. "Holding hands? Please. That's all she's able to do so no worries from me."

Alice felt her face flush deep scarlet. "Kevin!"

"What now?! I'm watching the game!"

Alice went from mild embarrassment to absolute mortification and the heart rate monitor proved it. She felt Jonathan's gentle touch on her shoulder.

"It's quite alright, Alice."

She looked up to see Jonathan had moved the chair closer to the bed . Surprisingly, he was smiling. "I've gotten quite used to your brother in this past week. He's definitely an acquired taste but he cares about you and that's respectable."

"SHOOT THE BALL!"

Jonathan sighed. "Even if his taste in entertainment is questionable."

"His taste in everything is questionable." Alice felt Jonathan slip his hand under hers.

"At least his sister's taste is superb."

Alice felt her embarrassment come back but plowed through it. "Why, Dr. Crane, are you flirting with me?"

He seemed to think about it for a moment. "Yes, I suppose I am."

"Hey, hey," Kevin waved the remote absently behind him in their general direction. "none of that."

Alice rolled her eyes. "What about all your anti-love speech?"

His good humor faltered slightly. "Like I said before, you intrigue me."


	8. Chapter 8

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Eight**

He told her in the hospital that she intrigued him and judging from how he treated her through the summer, that most certainly was the case. She would catch him on numerous occasions staring at her, like he was trying to figure out what exactly was the draw she held for him. It was quite simple in her mind: he was all logic and reasoning where she lived in the moment, skating from one development to the next with fluid ease. When you spent as much time as she had looking death in the face, you learned to embrace what was in front of you and worry about what came next when it came, if it came. But for now, she would let him figure it out for himself. He seemed happier when he was trying to figure something out and he never seemed happy enough to her liking.

Alice shifted on the chair, her bare legs sticking to the hot leather. It was the middle of July and they were in his office which had no air conditioning since most teachers weren't there in the summer. However, being a first year teacher, Jonathan was dumped with three summer classes for seniors who bombed out of abnormal psychology and needed the credits to graduate. Which brought them to sitting in a oven hot office, grading half-assed essays in the middle of the summer.

"So, dare I ask," he said, breaking the pleasant silence between them, "where is your father?"

"He is out golfing with half of the English department. Thankfully, that's how he passes most of his time in the summer."

"In this heat?"

Alice nodded. "That's why I'm not too keen on heading home just yet. A backyard full of middle aged men sitting around the pool with their beers discussing Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy." Alice faked a shudder, getting a chuckle out of Jonathan. "There's just too many things wrong with that picture."

"Yes, I must agree with you on that. The only thing remotely pleasing about that mental picture is the pool."

Alice tugged on the bottom of her shorts, trying to get enough material under her legs to keep them from sticking. "Do you like to swim?"

"Like is a relative term."

She sat there and did some staring of her own. The most casual she had seen him was when he visited her in the hospital in a pair of dark wash jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. This morning, however, he was in his office in a pair of khaki shorts and a t-shirt, which completely threw her. The most of his arms she ever saw was when he rolled his shirt sleeves up and that was never that far. She was enthralled with the smattering of freckles that graced his arms and wondered if his legs, which were out of sight under his desk, were the same way.

"Alice?"

She snapped out of her pleasant daydream back into the stifling office. She knew he caught her red-handed by the slight smirk on his face. "Yes?"

"I asked if you liked to swim."

She blushed straight to her roots. "Oh, uh, yeah, I guess. I like to run more than swim but haven't exactly been able to do that."

He removed his glasses for the sixth time, wiped his hand over his face before replacing them on his nose once more. "I used to ride a bike."

"Used to?"

"I was able to afford a car."

"Ah. Let the laziness begin."

Jonathan dropped his pen to the desk and started gathering up the papers that were scattered across the desk. "I can't take this anymore and you shouldn't be getting overheated either. Starbucks?"

"I'll buy." Alice handed the stack of papers she had been working on to Jonathan and he stuffed them into his briefcase. She grabbed her messenger bag and slung it over her shoulder, thankful to head out of the sweatbox of an office. Jonathan made it out of the door first and she followed behind, shutting the door behind her.

"Did you close the window?"

"Oh, I forgot." She went to push the door back open but it wouldn't budge. She turned around to ask for his keys and found herself nose to nose with him. Judging from the surprised look in his eyes, he had expected her to walk right back through the door. He hadn't been this close to her since the night of her surgery, when he almost kissed her. Part of her hoped he would follow through now but the other part hoped he would wait for a time when she wasn't sticky with sweat. She swallowed forcibly. "Door's stuck."

He placed a hand next to her head and pushed, the door giving way and opening. "It does that sometimes."

Alice nodded mutely and started to move to the side when Jonathan put an arm around her waist and pulled her back into the office with him. The door slammed shut, glass rattling behind her but Alice couldn't take her eyes off of Jonathan. The look in his eyes had changed from surprise to…she couldn't place it. He looked almost predatory and despite the sweltering heat, a shiver ripped through her. She had spent much of her free time day dreaming of when he would finally kiss her but now that it was quickly becoming a reality and nothing like she had envisioned, he frightened her.

"You look scared."

She was physically shaking. "N-n-no."

He moved closer to her, effectively pinning her against the door. "What are you afraid of, Alice?"

"Jon-a-than," his name came out in three syllables due to her teeth chattering. It seemed too hot and too cold all at once. The shaky, scared feeling amplified when she felt his lips press against her neck. She ground her vibrating teeth together to keep any sounds that might be mistaken as pleasure from issuing out of her mouth. She hated herself as part of her enjoyed the feeling of him holding her against him, trailing kisses up her neck until he reached her ear and she could hear his erratic breathing. Just like everything else that passed between them, it felt wrong but she was alright with it because it was Jonathan and he could do no wrong. Except for now.

"Answer me, Alice." He demanded, whispering directly into her ear. "What do you fear?"

She unlocked her jaw and allowed one word to pass from her lips. "You."

* * *

Jonathan felt like he was waking up from a dream. The last thing he remembered was stepping out of the office to go sit in an air conditioned coffee shop with Alice and wondering why he hadn't though of it before now. But when he opened his eyes, he and Alice were back in the office and she was looking at him with wide, confused eyes. Then he realized why: he had her pinned between the door and himself.

"Dr. Crane?"

He hadn't heard her use that name for months now and he felt like someone had dumped ice water over his head. He stumbled back from her on shaky legs until he hit the desk, his mind reeling at the fact that he couldn't remember what he had done to have Alice looking at him with frightened eyes.

"Jonathan?"

He felt like he had eaten a mouthful of ashes. "Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

Was he alright? "Are you?"

She tugged on the hem of her shirt but he could see her hands shaking. "Yeah. I'm fine."

Well, at least he didn't hurt her when he was in the "black out" period. But why couldn't he remember anything at all? He glanced down at his watch to see only eight minutes had passed since he left the office. Alice didn't appear harmed, at least not where he could see. There were no bruises on her arms, neck or face. A new wash of shame came over him as Alice regained her composure and sat down on the edge desk a foot away from him. She was so small and he could have done some real damage to her.

"Jonathan? You okay?"

He took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I suppose so. I don't really know what exactly happened. I'm sorry."

"It could have been a combination of the heat and reading too many abnormal psychology essays. Right?"

She was looking for reassurance that something like whatever happened wouldn't happen again. Of course, he couldn't assure her of that but he would try. "Right. No more grading today."

They sat there for a few minutes and Jonathan tried to figure out what exactly had happened. The episode certainly sounded like a typical fugue state, a period of time where your mind is conscious and body active but for some reason the person can't access the memory. Fugue states could mean anything really, from epilepsy to schizophrenia. He had never had any physical ailments, aside from some malnutrition as a child so that ruled out diseases like epilepsy. He wasn't aware of any mental conditions though his mother suffered from manic depression and various anxiety disorders. He had always worried over developing a split personality due to his childhood dependence on the scarecrow head. Perhaps it was time to get rid of that thing.

Alice's cell phone started ringing, startling the both of them. She fished the phone out of her bag and flipped it open. "Hello?"

Jonathan could hear Kevin shouting on the other end but the words were garbled. Judging from the look on Alice's face, it wasn't good news.

"Okay," she said, "I'll be right there." She snapped the phone shut and looked at him with tears shimmering in her eyes. "My Dad's at the hospital. He had a heart attack on the golf course."

Jonathan pushed himself off the desk. "I'll drive you over there."

Apparently whatever happened between them, she didn't let it cloud her view of him as she nodded in agreement and followed him back out of the office. He was surprised to see his briefcase sitting in the middle of the hallway but didn't think too much on it as he picked it up on his way out of the building. Alice followed by his side, silently crying but he was too afraid to touch her now.

The drive over to the hospital was an extremely quiet one. Alice stared straight ahead, hands folded and white knuckled in her lap. He had to stop himself more than once from reaching for her hand. It had become almost habit in the last couple months, her hand in his. He may have changed that permanently between them and he tried not to think about that right now as he parked the car, waiting for Alice to tell him what to do. Apparently, she was thinking the same thing.

"I can't do this alone. I want you to come in there with me."

"You'll have Kevin. It'll be fine."

She turned towards him, green eyes flashing. "I want you!"

Jonathan wondered if she was in a fugue herself at the moment as he had never seen her this angry. She looked like she was getting ready to hit him and he realized they were wasting precious time. "Fine. Let's go."

He followed her this time, through the busy ER. The nurse seemed to know Alice and just pointed to a group of people, most of them in golfing clothes, that were standing around a slack faced Kevin. That expression told him everything he needed to know: Dr. Williams didn't survive. Apparently Alice received the message as well and Jonathan gave her a little push towards her brother, who embraced her. It was too private a moment for even him to stand in the presence of, not to mention the scathing looks he was receiving from the golfing English department, so Jonathan slunk off the men's room.

The air conditioning and cool tile of the bathroom quickly reduced the summer sweat to an icy sheen on his back. He was grateful for the chill though, it only sharpened his mind and cleared his senses. He needed to be there, fully, for Alice and he couldn't afford another slip up like whatever had happened at the office. She may have forgiven him this time but next time he might do something unforgivable. Even though he was cooled off enough now, he still removed his glasses and splashed cold water on his face.

"Wasn't that fun, Jonny?"

Jonathan stood up, his eyes nervously sweeping the empty bathroom. Yes, it was empty. He splashed some more water on his face and reached blindly for the paper towels. He dried his face with the rough paper and glanced up at the mirror, letting out a startled yelp and a quick step backwards. It was like someone had punched out the mirror and set the scarecrow head on the ledge. It's lop-sided stitched mouth grinning maliciously while it's empty eyes managed to burn with intensity despite the lack of eyeballs.

"Miss me, Jonny? Of course you did. That's why you started talking to me when your little girlfriend was recovery from her surgery. Now that she's back, you've stopped."

Jonathan closed his eyes and counted to ten. This wasn't real. This wasn't happening. But when he opened them, the vision was still there.

"I've shown you what I can do, Jonny. Ignoring me is only going to make things worse."

What he can do? When did Scarecrow show him what he could do? And then it hit him like a flash, the image of Alice pressed against him, her back against the office door. Not only did he see it but he could feel her trembling in his arms, hear her teeth chattering from fear.

"_What are you afraid of, Alice?" _

His lips tingled from the memory of pressing them against her rapid pulse and continuing up her neck, the taste of salt on his tongue.

"_Answer me, Alice. What do you fear?" _

Her answer had ghosted across the plane of his cheek. _"You." _

Jonathan turned, pawing the stall door open and vomiting violently. He could never look Alice in the eye again after such a grievous display of intimidation. No wonder she had looked so afraid of him. Why didn't she bolt from his office when he had finally come back to his senses?

"Basic biology, Jonny. Arousal and fear are interchangeable. The physical reactions are the same, elevated heart rate, pupils dilate and the brain releases chemicals. She is just as intrigued by you as you are of her. This could get very interesting."

"Leave her out of this." Was he just talking out loud to a hallucination? This was going downhill fast. Jonathan pushed himself back onto his feet, flushed the toilet and re-washed his face. When he put his glasses back on, the image of the scarecrow head was still there.

"You shut me out," it threatened, "and I'll show Alice what true fear is."

"I can control you."

"You think so?"

Jonathan blinked and the mirror returned to normal, his own visage staring back at him. He looked pale, sickly almost, under the harsh light. Well, his coloring would come back once the nausea passed and he felt more in control of himself. And he would be in control of himself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Nine**

Jonathan was running out of places to hide. He had never been in the Williams home before today and his unfamiliarity with the home, added with the pall of the funeral and burial, he felt terribly out of sorts. The only thing that was working in his favor was the English department, as well as some other professors from Gotham University, had long given up scowling at him to just ignoring him. That is until Alice would ghost up to his side, standing closer than she did with other professors, then they would frown and look away. Not that it bothered him too much. Alice's grief surpassed any social faux pas he may engage in today.

He tried to blend into the tasteful surroundings of antiques and leather couches with matching chairs but he felt oddly out of place. Kevin walked past him a couple times, nodded and kept moving but the third time, Alice's tall, red headed brother stopped in front of him.

"I can't find Alice."

Jonathan tried to silence the warning bells that were going off in his mind. He quickly accounted for every minute of the day and found he had no black out periods thankfully so that meant she hadn't come to harm by his hand. "I'll look for her."

"Thanks, man."

Kevin moved off and Jonathan started his search in the kitchen. He even checked the laundry room and pantry, figuring she was hiding as well, but she wasn't there. He passed through the living room, looking out into the backyard, complete with pool, but there were just a group of men smoking. There were only two other places for him to look in the downstairs of the townhouse and that was an empty bathroom and Dr. Williams study. He pushed the heavy oak door open, did a quick scan of the room and started to shut the door when the leather chair behind the desk moved slightly.

"Alice?"

The chair turned slightly, just enough for him to see it was Alice. "Hey." Her voice was rough and hoarse from crying.

"Kevin was looking for you."

"Did he need something?"

"I don't think so. He just sounded worried about not seeing you." He waited for her to say something but she just turned the chair to face the bay window. "I'll go tell him you're-"

"Jonathan?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

He stepped into the study and closed the door. If anyone walked in and saw the two of them in there alone the rumors would be all over campus before he even stepped foot in his first class. But this wasn't a subject he wanted overheard either and hoped that no one would open the door. "Yes. I'm fine. I think the more pertinent question would be, how are you?"

She sighed and he wished she would turn around so he could see her face. "I don't know. I'm sad, angry…scared."

He realized she wasn't going to turn the chair so he crossed the room and stood next to the high back, leather chair. Alice had her high heeled sandals off, her bare legs tucked up underneath her black skirt. She looked lost and every bit her seventeen years, with her curly red hair and tear-stained freckled cheeks. "Sadness and anger are very typical for grief." He swallowed, hoping the next question wouldn't bring Scarecrow to the surface. "But what do you have to be scared of?"

She stared at her hands and bit her lower lip. "It happened so fast. I said good bye to him that morning and then he was gone. There was no warning, no preparation." She finally looked up at him. "Everyone had prepared themselves for me dying. I kind of got used to the idea of me leaving people behind instead of the other way around."

"Life is filled with unexpected occurrences. You can't prepare for these things."

"Like falling in love with one of your professors?"

_Or falling in love with one of your students? _Where did that thought come from? Jonathan coughed and forcibly pushed that thought to the back of his mind. "I don't think this is the time to talk about that."

"What happened the other day in your office?"

"Alice, really, there should be other things on your mind."

Anger flashed behind her tears. "I lost my father without any forewarning. I don't want to lose you too. I need to know what happened."

"We can talk about this later."

She turned away from him, fixing her eyes on some point outside the window. He could practically feel the emotions pouring off of her and it made him uneasy. He had seen her upset but not like this. She had expressed anger at her father's lack of understanding and her brother's idiocy. She had shown anger towards him that once in his car when they reached the hospital but he didn't really count that time as it was backed by worry and not anger. It made him uncomfortable, like his skin itched and he needed to get out of it. No, he couldn't leave this room knowing Alice was upset with him, and rightful so. He knelt down next to the chair and turned it towards him so she would have to look at him.

"Alice, I'm so sorry but," he took a deep breath, "I don't really know what happened."

She looked at him with tired eyes. "Yes, you do. Any first year psychology student would know and you're so much more advanced than that. You went into a fugue state, didn't you?"

She brought him up short with her dead on diagnosis. He forgot who he was dealing with. Even with her father's death a recent a wound, she still had full capacity of her intellect. Lying wasn't going to work, not with her. "Yes, I suppose I did."

"Has it ever happened before?"

"No, never." He slipped his hand under hers and gave her long fingers a gentle squeeze. "You know that I would never hurt you, right?"

"Yes, I know that."

He let relief show in his face and smile. "Good."

"I would still like to know more about your childhood."

"I don't think you would. Especially not now." He took his free hand and placed it against her cheek, wiping the stray tears away with his thumb. "You concentrate on dealing with this tragedy now. Kevin's going to need you and you're going to need him."

She imitated his touch and he leaned his head into her hand. "I need you, too."

"And I'll be here," he promised as he turned his head and pressed his lips against her palm.

* * *

When Alice emerged from her father's study, she found the house empty save for her brother, who was sitting on the couch with a baseball game on. She slipped off her shoes and left them in the middle of the floor and sat down next to him. She wasn't surprised that he wasn't watching the game, rather just staring at it.

"I didn't mean to disappear on you, Kevin."

He shrugged. "That's alright. Jon said you were hiding out in Dad's study and when I went to check on you, you were sound asleep so I just left you there."

"Where is Jonathan?"

"He ran out to grab some food. He said he'd be back."

"I thought we had plenty of food?"

Kevin shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't even looked at the kitchen."

"What time is it?"

"Nine."

Alice sat there for a few moments, watching slightly overweight men run bases and feeling like she wanted to crawl out of her skin. Her father was gone. No more late night lectures on the dangers of being around Jonathan or psychological dissections of literary characters. No more golf stories with nine irons and birdies or English department cook outs before the fall semester starts. Fall semester, that was going to start in two weeks.

"Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to go back to college."

Kevin put his arm around her. "I know, sis, but Dad would want you to finish."

She let her head fall onto his shoulder. "I just don't want to endure the looks and the pity. I'm so sick of it all."

"Maybe you should look into going out of state then?"

"I don't know."

"Look," Kevin shut the television off. "You don't have to make a decision tonight. Why don't we go get changed and go for a swim?"

Alice's thoughts went back to a few days previous when she had received the call of her Dad's heart attack. The heat in Jonathan's office, their discussion of the pool and then the…she wasn't sure what to call it. It wasn't an attack, though he had frightened her. However, she still got goose bumps just thinking about being that close to him. "A swim sounds good."

She went up to her room and quickly pulled off her dress, thankful to rid herself of the garment and grabbed her swimsuit. On her way downstairs, she went to get a towel and found Kevin already changed and pulling three towels out of the linen closet. He also had an extra pair of swimming trunks in hand.

"Does Jon swim?"

Alice shrugged. "I think he's neutral."

"Well," Kevin led the way out to the pool and dropped the extra towel and shorts on a chair, "if he wants to swim, he can."

The night wasn't cool but it was a blessedly relief from the heat that been assaulting Gotham. It made the water feel warmer than if they had gotten in the afternoon. Alice slipped under the water, wanting to feel any kind of detachment from what faced her in the real world. She still couldn't believe her father had been buried that day. And the things that had been happening with Jonathan, this fugue state, it just was too much to process. When she couldn't hold her breath anymore, she resurfaced to hear Kevin talking. Wiping water out of her eyes, she turned around to see Jonathan standing there, a tray of milkshakes in one hand and a McDonald's bag in the other.

"It's official," Kevin said, already standing in the shallow end, "Jon's the hero of the night."

He set the food down on a patio table. "Anything to help."

Kevin pointed over to extra towel and shorts. "You want to join us, there's a pair of trunks and a towel."

Alice saw the wheels turning in his head and spoke up. "Come on, Jonathan."

He gave her a slightly annoyed look, like he had almost figured out how to get out of it before she spoke up. Her reasoning for keeping him close was purely selfish, she knew that. She wanted to focus on someone else's problems instead of her own. Not to mention, seeing Jonathan without a shirt couldn't hurt matters either. Jonathan gathered up the shorts and went back into the house to get changed.

"Listen up, Al," Kevin pointed a finger at her, "behave yourself or I'll send you're boyfriend home."

"Yes, Father," she quipped and then choked on what she had just said. She started crying before she could rally her emotions and control them. Kevin went over to her and pulled her into a strong hug. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry, Kev."

"Shh. It's alright, Al. I know."

She felt Kevin carry her out of the water and wondered how he managed to wrap her up in her towel when she realized Jonathan had reappeared. Kevin sat her down on one of the lounge chairs and she couldn't stop crying. She heard her brother whisper a "it's just a long day" to Jonathan.

"Perhaps I should just go," she heard him say that and it brought back some semblance of control for her.

"No, Jonathan, don't go," she wiped her tears on the towel and took a shaky breath. "I'll be fine in a minute." Someone, most likely Kevin, shoved one of the milkshakes into her hand and she automatically started sipping it. The coldness of the drink only added to her being completely wet and caused her to shiver. The sharp sting of being cold made her emotional control come back and soon she had her tears stopped. "I'm sorry, guys."

"Yeah," Kevin said, "crying on the day of Dad's funeral, that's completely inappropriate."

Alice looked up at her brother to see tears standing in his eyes too. They were all that was left of the Williams now. "Thanks, Kev."

He stood up abruptly and cleared his throat. "I think I'll just go finish watching the game." He grabbed a hamburger and one of the other milkshakes before going into the house and shutting the door.

"I can come back to check on you tomorrow, Alice."

She shook her head. "No, Jonathan, it's fine. I'd like it if you would stay."

He nodded once and sat down next to her on the chair. "What would you like me to do?"

Alice moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Just hold me." She felt his arm come around her, pressing her closer into his shoulder and she closed her eyes, thankful for the comfort. She had _her _Jonathan there with her and that was all that mattered. She could worry about the other Jonathan tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Ten**

A loud clap of thunder woke him. Startled, Jonathan jumped up and tried to remember where he was. After a couple deep breaths and a few flashes of lightning, he was able to remember, a small blessing. He had left the William's house around one in the morning, when Alice had fallen asleep against him out by the pool. He had carried her inside and passed her off to Kevin, who carried her up the stairs. While Kevin was out of sight, Jonathan slipped out of the house and wearily made his way home. It had been a long, long day. He hadn't even made it to his bed but collapsed on the couch, until the thunder startled him awake. Judging from the darkness outside, it wasn't even dawn yet.

He pressed his hands against his chest and closed his eyes. He could still feel her against him and he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep, either to forget the feeling or relish in the memory of it. Dreaming was the only way he could touch her, hold her without feeling shame and guilt. Before the reappearance of the Scarecrow he had been confident in pursuing a relationship with her, believing that it would be just one more thing that society wouldn't understand about those with higher intelligence. But now with him second guessing every touch and each word he spoke, he wondered if he could break it off with her. The very thought of that caused his chest to hurt in a whole new way.

He half stumbled his way down the hallway and as he passed by the bathroom, a flash of lightning lit up the mirror. He knew he should continue, fall into bed and return to his pleasant dreams of Alice but his feet had another idea and pulled him to the front of the mirror. Another flash of lightning and he saw the reflection of the Scarecrow.

"Have a nice day, Jonny?"

_Turn around, go to bed. Turn around, go to bed. _ "Not particularly."

"Spent a lot of time with little Alice."

"Yes, but it wasn't very nice. It was a funeral."

"Hm, your thoughts tell me differently and I don't like where they're going. You're losing your focus, Jonny. There are still drugs that need to be procured."

He braced his arms on the cool ceramic of the sink. "And what are we to do about test subjects?"

Scarecrow chuckled. "Sweet little Alice-"

"No. I told you, she's off limits. We're done." Jonathan turned to leave.

"Wait! A better idea then."

"What?"

"You're going to be handed a small group of graduate students, aren't you?"

"The idea has been tossed around, yes."

"Trust me, you'll be getting them. Let me work some magic on them. We'll be experimenting with the drug by Halloween."

"No, I can't let you be in control."

"Why not?"

"Because you want to hurt people and I can't condone that type of action. What I'm doing is to benefit society."

Scarecrow sighed. "Jonny, we are the same. The people I hurt are being hurt by you, too. Besides, to make an omelet, you have to crack a few eggs, right?"

Jonathan took his glasses off and set them on them on the corner of the sink. He was too tired to be dealing with this. He needed to go to bed, get some rest and start fresh in the morning. He needed to distance himself from this…creation of his imagination. He couldn't risk Alice's safety or sanity for this.

"Alice, Alice, Alice. Get a hold of yourself, Jonny. Because if you don't, I'll make sure Alice isn't around to occupy your thoughts."

He had never argued with Scarecrow before. He wondered what would happen if he called the alter ego's bluff. "Even if you kill her, I won't stop thinking about her. I won't stop," he swallowed loudly, "I won't stop loving her."

"So you think. You would be surprised what you can overcome given time and," there was a dark chuckle from behind the mirror, "support."

Jonathan snatched up his glasses and slammed them on his face. He had to decide between Scarecrow and Alice and there wasn't much of a decision to be made. "Enough of this." He stalked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, ripping open dresser drawers. He searched through every drawer and even the closet for the burlap sack, intent on destroying it, but he couldn't find it anywhere. He was certain he had left it in one of the dresser drawers but it was no longer there.

There was a peal of sinister laughter that seemed to come from the dark corners of the room. "Lose something, Jonny?"

***

He spent the next two weeks, feverishly pouring over his notes and crushed powder that had been prescription medications. He tried to spend as much time as possible on campus in his office, leaving only late at night to the makeshift chemical lab his had set up in his kitchen. He kept telling himself that Alice knew where she could find him, she knew where he lived and worked and she had his cell phone number.

He also justified his not seeking her out to her needing some space to grieve but in quiet times like these, when he was staring a hole in the wall just waiting for the concoction to meld together, he knew it was all an excuse and a flimsy one at that. But her absence seemed to make Scarecrow happy and with _him_ happy, Jonathan was able to have moments of peace. Unfortunately, those moments only seemed to remind him of how much he missed Alice.

It was going on midnight, a few days before the start of the new semester, when his borderline obsession with the drug recipe was interrupted by a steady knock on his front door. The late hour raised suspicion but all of the beakers and drug paraphernalia was safely hidden away. He cautiously approached the door but one glance through the peep hole was all he needed before throwing the door open. Alice was standing there, dripping wet and looking furious.

"Alice?"

Alice's eyes narrowed and he saw tears mixing in with the rain. "Two weeks, Jonathan? Where the hell have you been?"

An odd sense of being affronted came over him and he leaned against the open door, blocking her access to his apartment. "I've been here and at my office. Where have you been?"

The anger slowly ebbed from her face and she appeared to implode on herself. "I've been lost."

Any feeling of being insulted disappeared immediately as he moved from the open door for her. Wearily, she crossed the threshold and immediately fell against him. He had forgotten how good it felt to have her close to him as he shut the door and held her against him. He stood stock still and let her cry and cling, something that he would only allow Alice to do to him. While she vented her emotions, he waited for Scarecrow to make an appearance with snide comments but he never showed. Perhaps he had spent enough time working on the drug compound that the alter ego might allow him some peace with Alice now.

Alice finally released her hold on him and hastily wiped the mix of tears and rain from her face. "I'm sorry. It's just been a hard two weeks."

He kept one arm around her and led her over to the couch. "Do you need anything? Tea?"

She gave him a shaky smile. "Sure."

Jonathan left her there to heat water and pull the now ever present chamomile tea from the cabinet. While he waited for the water to heat, he grabbed a towel from the hall closet and draped it around Alice's shivering frame. He watched her from the kitchen as she dried her hair, ruffling the red curls, and wiped down her bare arms. He couldn't believe the change in the atmosphere just by having her present in his home again. It was like living with an overcast sky for so long that when the sun finally returned, you had forgotten just how bright and warm it was. The kettle whistled and he soon set a steaming mug of the floral scented tea on the table in front her. Thankful, she had stopped crying and just looked tired.

"So what have you been up to for the last two weeks?" he asked.

She shrugged slightly and tugged the damp towel closer to her. "I don't think I can even tell you what I've done. I feel like I've just been wandering around in a fog. I miss my Dad," she turned her eyes towards him, accusations long gone now, "I missed you."

He folded his hands in front of him. "I figured you would find me after you had grieved."

"I still am grieving."

He nodded, figuring as much. He was terribly surprised at the lack of Scarecrow in his mind. He was wondering just how far he could push this. "How's Kevin?"

"Fine. He's working the night shift tonight. So," Alice reached for the mug, "what have you been up to?"

"Well, I believe I may have the first batch of the anti-fear drug."

Her eyes widened. "You do? When did you finish it? Have you tried it out yet?"

He had missed her enthusiasm. "I finished it last night and no, I have not tried it out yet. I'm not quite sure how to go about testing it, though."

"I could try it."

_There you go, Jonny._

Jonathan coughed in surprise at the Scarecrow's sudden appearance. "No," he managed to get out, speaking to both Scarecrow and Alice. "Your heart isn't strong enough to compensate if one of the measurements is off. I will not risk you that way." He heard Scarecrow grumbling but other than that, he was quiet. Alice looked slightly down at his refusal to test the drug.

"Who are you thinking of testing it on then?"

He pushed his glasses up on his nose. "I have a small group of graduate students this semester. I am hoping for at least one recruit from them."

"Hm," was all she said. Jonathan could hear the steady rainfall outside now that comfortable silence had fallen between them. She spent the time staring into the mug and he spent the time staring at her. She looked tired but healthy. She had come to his place in lightweight pants, a t-shirt and flip flops. She was still a complete paradox to him: vulnerable but strong, young and yet possessed more maturity than most of his colleagues at the University. Seventeen, she was still only seventeen. But no matter how many times he repeated that to himself, it couldn't stop him from what he was about to do.

He had thought back to that day in the office when he blacked out and tried to come up the trigger. It had been extremely hot but he doubted that would be it. He had been annoyed at his student's incompetence, but if he allowed that to trigger black outs he would never have his sanity. That left only one other trigger: Alice's extremely close proximity. He wasn't sure if she was really the problem or if Scarecrow would just show up whenever he damn well pleased but it was time to find out.

"Alice, I do have an experiment that I need your help with."

She set the mug down on the table. "Sure. What is it?"

He tried to steady himself but his hands still shook as he removed his glasses and moved to sit down on the edge of the coffee table, directly across from Alice. "I need you to promise me if you feel afraid at any point during this…experiment, you will leave."

She looked perplexed but nodded. "Alright."

He leaned forward, keeping a steady eye contact with her and waiting for any appearance whatsoever of Scarecrow. When nothing happened, he reached out and touched her, his hand skimming along her delicate jaw line. He trusted her promise to leave if he scared her as he settled his hand on the nape of her neck and gently pulled her towards him. He hoped she would interrupted his hesitation when there was mere centimeters separating them as an attempt to draw out the suspense but what he was doing was waiting for Scarecrow to shut him down and take over. The alter ego never showed up and he closed the space between them, settling his lips over hers.

It was exhilarating. He knew what the physical reaction was going to be: a rush of blood and hormones, a desire for more contact. He had been ready for that but what he wasn't prepared for was Alice's reaction. As soon as their lips connected, she reached out towards him and grabbed a firm hold on his shirt. He tried to pull back, thankful that he was still aware of what was happening, when she pulled herself into his lap. As enjoyable as this "experiment" was turning out to be, he knew he had to regain control. With more strength than he knew he had, he pushed her off him in hopes that she would land back on the couch. Unfortunately, she did but she never released her hold on him and brought him down on top of her.

"Alice, stop."

She bit her bottom lip and looked on the verge of tears again. "You've never treated me like a child, don't start now."

He tried to pry his shirt from her grip but she refused to relinquish her hold. "This has nothing to do-"

"Then kiss me again."

He sighed in exasperation. "Alice."

"Look, whatever you were testing, it worked. You were able to control yourself."

"At that moment, yes." He was finally able to get her to release his shirt and he sat up on the couch. Alice settled herself flush against him, neatly tucked under his arm. "I don't want to hurt you."

"I know." She rested her head on his shoulder. "I just don't want to go another two weeks without seeing you again. It was unbearable."

He pressed his face into her hair. She always smelled like raspberries and he had sudden understanding of what an addict must feel like, driven by that sole desire to obtain that drug of choice. "It was not exactly pleasant for me either." But now, Scarecrow was blessedly silent. Jonathan got the impression that Scarecrow's dislike of Alice shoved him away from Jonathan's consciousness. Perhaps she was his talisman against the alter ego.

"Jonathan?"

His hand was trailing down the bare skin of her arm and he was trying to memorize the feel of it under his fingertips. "Yes?"

"I love you."

In his entire life, no one had ever said those words to them. Logically, he knew what the response should be but his mouth refused to form the words. Before his tongue would listen to him, there was another knock on his door, loud and incessant. Alice sat up, away from him and stared at the door.

"Oh no."

Before he could ask her who was on the other side of the door, a familiar, albeit slightly angry, voice made it's way through the wood.

"Jon, it's Kevin! I can't find Alice."


	11. Chapter 11

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Eleven**

_Madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it needs is a little push._

_~Joker, The Dark Knight_

She hated that he had to ask about her last two weeks but it was Jonathan, direct and honest Jonathan. Alice answered as best she could and hoped he wouldn't dwell too long on the first part of her sentence, about her being in a fog. She hadn't lied when she told him she had been lost. Her mother's passing still affected her as it was the same day the doctors had found her tumor. Her years of battling cancer had worn away at her and now having to cope with both feelings of grief for her father and an unexplainable attraction for the man before her, her mind was cracking.

"Fog" wasn't exactly the right word for what she had been experiencing, at least she didn't think so. It was hard to confirm black out periods when she was spending most of her time alone. She wondered if it had something to do with the chemicals that she and Jonathan were playing around with or if it was just everything that had happened to her in the last five years. The mind could only take so much and she wondered how much more hers could take before it shattered. Unless it already had and it was just waiting for a catalyst. Little did she know, within thirty minutes she was given that push.

Jonathan kissed her and something changed inside of her. It was as if someone had pulled a blind closed, throwing her into darkness, shoving her towards the back of her own mind. She was aware of her climbing onto him, the feel of the fabric of his shirt bunched up in her hands. And his lips...she struggled mentally to rise above the blackness that surrounded her mind. She wanted a vivid memory of this first kiss between them. This moment was theirs, no one else's, including whatever part of her mind may have split off from the rest of her.

A jarring sensation snapped her back into reality and it took her a moment to assess the situation. She was back on the couch, pressed into the throw pillows with an equally surprised Jonathan on top of her. She still had his shirt in her white knuckled hands and her lips tingled from the kiss that she had missed experiencing.

"Alice, stop."

She wanted to scream but she bit her bottom lip to keep it inside. It wasn't fair and she felt tears sting the back of her eyes. "You've never treated me like a child, don't start now." Anything, she would say or do anything to feel his lips again, even if it meant guilt tripping him into another kiss.

He fumbled with her hands, trying to yank his shirt out of her grip. "This has nothing to do-"

"Then kiss me again." She was shamelessly begging now, something that she was surprised he allowed her to do without a reprimand. But the look on his face was exasperation and something that hovered over the line of pain and desire.

A sigh escaped him and he looked away from her. "Alice."

"Look, whatever you were testing, it worked. You were able to control yourself." The words flew out of her mouth and she was well aware of how out of control she was. The heady feeling of him that close to her was getting to be too much, added to the fact that she felt emotionally robbed, her control over her actions and emotions slipping.

"At that moment, yes." He was finally successful at breaking her hold on his now wrinkled dress shirt.

She felt the fight go out of her suddenly and with bitter defeat as he pulled away from her, settling himself on the other side of the couch. She felt like she reverted back to a three year old and wanted nothing more than to throw a temper tantrum. She took a couple deep breaths and tried to steady her haywire emotions and fuzzy mind. Slowly, she sat up and settled herself against him, hoping he would allow her that. She breathed a sigh of relief when she felt his arm around her.

"I don't want to hurt you." He said it so quietly, as if it was some kind of sinful confession.

"I know," she responded and let her head drop on his shoulder, his collarbone digging into her temple. "I just don't to go another two weeks without seeing you again. It was unbearable." And that was putting it lightly. She felt his nose brush the top of her head, a sense of calm fully flooding her. He wasn't angry with her for a serious lack of control before.

"It was not exactly pleasant for me either," he murmured against her hair.

Alice stayed where she was, content with the closeness between them, the mutual understanding that they always found in one another. She wasn't sure if he was aware of his hand tracing small designs along her bare arm but she wasn't about to bring his attention to it. It was slowly lulling her to sleep.

"Jonathan?"

"Hm?" He sounded almost asleep himself.

"I love you." It was the first time that she had uttered the words directly to him. She knew he didn't believe in the emotion but it wouldn't stop her from saying the age old sentiment. She could feel his pulse pick up speed and she opened her mouth to tell him that she didn't expect him to answer her declaration when a sharp knock startled them both. Alice sat up, putting space between her and Jonathan. She had a good idea who it was at the door. "Oh no."

Jonathan turned towards her, his mouth open to ask her who it was, when the answer came from the person himself.

"Jon, it's Kevin. I can't find Alice."

Alice stood up and started for the door when Jonathan jumped up and grabbed her arm.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"Open the door."

A sharp laugh escaped him. "He'll skin me alive seeing you here at this hour."

"What do you want me to do? Hide in the closet? That'll be the first place he'll look."

Kevin pounded on the door again. "Jon? I know Alice is in there."

Alice tugged her arm free from Jonathan's grip. "Trust me, he's angry at me, not you."

Jonathan's jaw tensed slightly but he looked resigned as he put his glasses back on and ran his fingers through his hair before opening the door. Alice stood behind him, waiting for Kevin to notice her there.

"Jon, I'm so sorry to show up this late," his eyes roamed the inside of the apartment before coming to rest on Alice. "There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you."

Alice felt a slight fluttering in her mind, like that mental shade was trying to be tugged down again but it only managed to close half way. It was enough to cause a surge of defiance to rise to the surface. "I got tired of being by myself."

"Al," Kevin's shoulders slumped tiredly as he came into the apartment and Jonathan closed the door. "That doesn't give you the right to scare the shit out of me!"

"You weren't even suppose to be home until later. And I would have been home, safe and sound by then."

Kevin took a step back and gave Jonathan a curious look. "Has she been coming over here often?"

"This is the first time that I have seen her for two weeks."

Alice was trying to shake off the odd feeling of the darkness creeping around the edges of her mind when Kevin spoke.

"Has she told you what's been going these last couple weeks?"

The cool mask that Jonathan had been sporting cracked slightly to reveal concern. "Not any particulars. Why?"

Alice wondered how Kevin could know of her mental struggles, he was hardly at home anymore. She chalked it up to his not wanting to be reminded that Mom and Dad were never coming back. Meanwhile, she lived in the deathly silent house, given over to her quickly fading sanity. If Kevin was aware of her black out periods, she silently begged him to keep quiet. He didn't listen.

"She's been having these times when she just zones out," Kevin admitted with a tinge of fear in his voice. "Then, when she says something it doesn't even sound like her. I was going to call you tonight anyway to see if you-"

But Jonathan wasn't listening anymore. Alice watched with growing alarm as he crossed the space between them, his face no longer blank was thunderous. "Why didn't you say anything to me?"

Alice stammered but no words formed. Something seemed to click in Jonathan's mind.

"You said you felt you were walking around in a fog for the last two weeks. Was that suppose to my clue into what was really going on? Are you having black out periods, Alice?"

She had retreated to the other side of the room, the edge of the dining table pressing painfully into her back. Jonathan looked livid and Kevin, who was standing next to him, had paled several shades causing his freckles to stand out even more. She could feel her limbs shaking, emotions crashing over her head and pulling her down. It was getting to be too much.

"Answer me, Alice," Jonathan asked with quiet demand.

Alice closed her eyes slowly. She was tired of fighting and always having to defend herself. If he wanted an answer, she would give it to him. No, not her but the other _one_. Instead of the blind being dropped in front of her, Alice purposefully pulled the curtain down and stepped willingly into the darkness.

* * *

Jonathan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Alice was having black outs now? His mind frantically pulled all the drug ingredients together but he couldn't find one particular one that would bring on black outs though. But that was a problem to be dealt with another day. He wondered if he had seen any manifestation tonight and the only possibility was her reaction to the kiss. Absently, he smoothed the front of his shirt, his fingers grazing over the wrinkles that were still left from her desperate hold. He had to bring that person out again to see what they were dealing with but he wasn't prepared to kiss her in front of her brother. He would have to use another tactic. Anger might work.

"Why didn't you say anything to me?"

He advanced on her, forcing her to back up to keep distance between them. She was mumbling, trying to come up with a defense but before she could, his mind recalled something she had said, something he should have picked up on himself.

"You said you felt you were walking around in a fog for the last two weeks. Was that suppose to my clue into what was really going on? Are you having black out periods, Alice?"

She was against the table now, no place to run. Just one more push...

"Answer me, Alice." He knew she didn't like to be told to do something and with Kevin standing behind him, they had her effectively backed into a corner. He watched with slight fascination but mostly uncomfortable realization as she closed her eyes and an incredible transformation came over her sharp featured face. The lines grew harder, more taunt and her lips curved in a cold, twisted grin. When her eyes opened, they had turned to cold chips of emerald. Suddenly, she wasn't Alice anymore.

"I much preferred the other way you asked me to come out and play, Doctor."

"See what I mean?" Kevin whispered. "That's so not Alice."

"That is because it isn't Alice," Jonathan responded shortly before fixing a cold gaze on the interloper. "Who are you?"

She shrugged, but not elegantly like Alice usually did, it was jerky and sudden. "New, new. No name yet." She sidled up to Jonathan, an uncharacteristic leer on her face. "Perhaps you could name me."

Before she got too close, Jonathan reached out and held her at arm's length. "Where is Alice?"

She pouted. "Taking a break from all the hurt."

"Hurt?" Kevin asked. "What hurt?"

"Mommy and Daddy gone, cancer eating away at her for so long," she fixed Jonathan with an accusatory stare, "you."

Jonathan swallowed forcefully and he could feel Kevin's eyes on him. "How have I hurt her?"

"Always playing the good doctor," she licked her lips and gave him a wink.

_Let me play with this one._

Jonathan's grip tightened on Alice's bare arms. With Kevin standing next to him, he didn't want to hand over control to Scarecrow, even if it meant bringing Alice back. He would have do this by the book and with that firm decision, Scarecrow went grumbling back into the recesses of his mind. "I want Alice back, now."

She narrowed her eyes slightly and "tsk"ed him. "You're so much more polite with her. Fine but we'll see each other again."

* * *

She felt like she was waking up from a very deep sleep. Alice blinked her eyes slowly and pressed a hand against her pounding head.

"Alice?"

She looked over to her left and saw Jonathan sitting in a chair next to the bed. She looked around the room and realized it was her bedroom. The last thing she could remember was being at his apartment. "What-"

"It's fine," he laid a hand on her arm and she laid back down on the bed. "Kevin and I brought you home early this morning. How do you feel?"

How did she feel? Her head pounded, she was weak and could still feel the sickly sheen of sweat from the night before. But only one word kept coming into her mind. "Confused."

His long fingers closed around her wrist and she realized he was taking her pulse. "What do you remember last?"

She closed her eyes and tried to recall her last memory. She had wandered around the house, did a load a laundry, made something to eat for her and Kevin before he left for work then she watched TV until she couldn't take the loneliness anymore and went to Jonathan's late at night. "I went to your place."

"Do you remember why?"

"I missed you."

"Do you remember anything else?"

She pressed her memory again and felt an embarrassed heat rise to her face. "You kissed me but..." she paused and took a deep breath, "it wasn't me."

His jaw tensed. "Who was it?"

Alice laid back against the pillows. "I don't know." She waited a couple seconds. "Does your alter ego have a name?"

Jonathan released a tired sigh. "This is my fault."

She fixed him with a steady gaze but he refused to meet her eyes. "My own mind did this to me, Jonathan, not you. The events in my life coupled with my psyche created this...personality."

He finally lifted his eyes to her and they looked like they were on fire. "She said that I was hurting you."

Alice sat up in her bed, her headache was starting to dissipate. "You're not hurting me."

"Of course you don't see it that way."

Despite his angry tone, Alice could see the pain in his face. "So how do you think you're hurting me?"

He pushed his glasses up his nose. "Do you think it is just coincidence that now you develop an alternate personality around the same time I have?"

Alice knew where his train of thought was going. He was going to separate himself from her. "I don't think it's a coincidence, I think it's fate."

His eyebrows raised. "Fate?"

"Yes, fate. Perhaps we've always had this underlying personality inside of us and that is the basis of the draw we hold for each other." She smiled and laced her fingers with his. "A true attraction of the minds."

His eyes fixed on their entwined hands. "Chaotic minds."

"Chaos can be organized, Jonathan."

"Or," he raised his eyes to her, "it can just be accepted."

"Accepting chaos. I like that idea." Her smile faded. "Please, don't leave me."

He sighed heavily and took off his glasses, sliding them into his shirt pocket before moving to sit next to her on the bed. "I could never leave you. Not now."

"Now that there's more of me to love?" she joked.

"This isn't funny, Alice."

She sobered immediately. "I know but if I don't joke about it, I'll end up crying."

He put his arm around her and kissed her temple. "This is a very bad idea. I should admit us both to the mental institution or at least get my hands on some medication. But doctors would start asking questions..."

"And we would have to tell them about our project with the anti-fear drug."

"I've come too far with it's development now."

"Then we'll just have to learn to control our other selves. We can do that, can't we?"

Jonathan rubbed the side of his face. "We can try. Perhaps we can control it enough to see the project through and go from there."

Alice used her free hand and turned Jonathan's head towards her. "There is another matter that needs to be attended to." Without waiting for him to figure out what she was about to do, Alice leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. She wanted her own memory of their first kiss.

It was absolutely intoxicating, feeling everything first hand this time. His lips, his hands, his smell. She must have taken him off guard because she could feel the normally well hidden passion he had for her come through in his ardent touches. His lips never left hers and she was surprised when she felt the mattress against her back and Jonathan's warm weight pressing down on her. But as soon as the surprise registered, he pulled away from her and kissed her forehead before sitting up. Even in the dim lighting of the room, she could see the flush to his cheeks and the over brightness in his eyes.

"Get some rest."

She laughed shortly, her hands still being held by his. "That's not likely now."

He smiled and brought her hands up to his lips before releasing them. "Try."

"You're not leaving, are you?"

"I'll be back to have dinner with you and Kevin," he stood up from the bed and replaced his glasses on his face. "Rest. Kevin's very worried and will need some convincing that you're well enough to carry on with normal life."

Alice realized he was right and nodded. He smiled and quietly left the room, shutting the door. She stared at the ceiling for a long time, wondering about this other personality inside of her mind. Something was telling her to put a name to it but she wasn't sure if that was wise. She laid a hand over her lips, still buzzing from the passion filled kisses and recalled what Jonathan had said about accepting the chaos of their minds.

Perhaps that should be her name given the fact that Alice decided on accepting her as part of who she was: Chaos.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: **I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all my readers and an even bigger thank you to my reviewers! You guys rock and are the reason that I'm still writing! And I wanted to apologize in advance...this chapter has an evil cliffhanger. I promise to update to soon though! :-) Enjoy!

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Twelve**

Jonathan saw Kevin's Ford truck parked in the driveway when he returned to the Williams' house later in the day so he knocked instead of using the key Kevin had provided him with that morning. Alice's brother answered the door, a grim look on his face, and Jonathan was felt his stomach drop.

"What's happened?"

Kevin looked momentarily shocked. "Nothing. Why?"

"You just looked like something was wrong."

"Oh," Kevin waved him in and shut the door, "no, my mind was just elsewhere. Alice said you were there when she woke up this morning?"

Jonathan wondered how much Alice told her brother and decided to play it close. "Yes, I was."

Kevin grabbed a half empty bottle of beer from the kitchen counter. "Want one?"

"No, thank you," Jonathan declined and followed Kevin outside to the back yard where the grill was already fired up and waiting for the food.

"I don't think I've ever seen you drink, Jon."

"And you most likely will never see me drink."

"Religious belief?"

Jonathan laughed. "Hardly. More like bad college memories."

"Weren't you like twelve when you started at the University?"

"Fifteen, actually, and my freshmen roommates decided to break me into dorm life by shoving six beers down me and watching the aftermath. Apparently I out vomited the senior in the room who was also the president of Phi Kappa."

"And you never touched the stuff again?"

"Never."

Kevin smiled slightly and peeled back the tin foil covered food next to the grill. "You aren't opposed to steak, are you?"

"Not at all." Jonathan looked around the yard and then back at the house. "Where is Alice?"

"Taking a shower. I wanted to talk to you about something, Jon."

Jonathan wasn't sure if this was going to be a good thing or a bad one so he braced himself for the worst. "Alright."

Kevin threw the thick steaks onto the sizzling grill and closed the lid. "My boss at the hospital says that St. Mary's in Metropolis is running on an EMT shortage. He's already spoken to them about sending a couple of us over there to help out. They'll pay more money and it'll be a new start for me."

"And Alice?"

Kevin frowned slightly. "I don't know. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Logically, I would take her with me and then when she turns eighteen I can't tell her what to do. No doubt, she'll come running back here to you."

"You make that sound like a bad thing."

"Oh, no," Kevin waved the beer bottle in a dismissive manner. "I didn't mean it like that, Jon. I guess, what I'm getting at is, I need to know where you stand with Alice."

He shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. "What do you mean?"

"Do you love her?"

Had the question been posed to him two weeks ago, he would have hesitated with his answer, but not now. "Yes, I do."

"How much?"

"I wasn't aware that love could measured."

"You know what I mean." Kevin opened the grill and flipped the steaks over. "Do you love her enough to stick with her or is this just something taboo that once she's legal you're on to the next student?"

"My feelings have nothing to do with making a social statement concerning age differences. And trust me, I do not love easily but I love Alice."

Kevin shut the grill lid again and took a drink from his beer. "Well, shit."

"What?"

"I was up all night thinking of a solution to this. I don't want to drag Alice away from Gotham and you, not when she's in the state she's in right now. I'm afraid it'll kill her to be away from you, even if it was just a few months. But, if I leave her here and ask you to keep an eye on her, well, that could get you in trouble."

Jonathan opened his mouth but Kevin held up a hand to silence him.

"I know you've behaved yourself around her. She's told me that and, well, I can just tell. But not everybody is going to believe that and I don't want to cause you trouble. So that leaves me with two choices, either I turn down the job-"

"Which it doesn't sound like you want to do."

Kevin took another breath. "Or, I set it up so you can take care of Alice without getting into any legal hang ups."

Jonathan felt his throat constrict. Kevin was going admit Alice to a mental institute and would want him to check on her and make sure she was getting the right treatment. The thought of Alice confined in a place like that set his teeth on edge. He knew what atrocities went on within asylum walls, whether for the criminally insane or the general public. They were all the same. He was almost seeing red at the thought of Kevin locking Alice away in a place like that, he missed what Kevin was saying. Apparently, the elder Williams took in the shocked look on his face and repeated what he had said.

"Would you consider marrying her, Jon?"

Surely he didn't hear that correctly. "What?"

Kevin sighed tiredly. "I already talked to someone down at the courthouse. If I sign some release paper as Alice's guardian giving permission for you two to get married, then it'll be legal and no one can turn you over for, you know, being with a minor."

What was Kevin thinking? He had only come to the realization that he loved Alice less than a month ago and even that was a painfully confusing conclusion. But marriage? He hadn't even given thought to that institution yet. Being raised by his widowed great grandmother and a beaten down mother who never spoke about his father, he doubted they had ever been married. He had never seen himself as a husband but then again, he never foresaw falling in love either. "But I don't plan on _being _with a minor."

"I know that but if I leave and Alice moves in with you or vise versa, people are going to talk. She can't be left alone now. And next thing you know, there goes your job at the University, you'll be behind bars, Alice is on her own again and I'm back at square one with no one to look after her. I want to know that someone who cares about her and understands this," Kevin paused, "condition she has, is able to keep a close eye on her. A better one than I've been keeping on her."

"You're doing the best you can, Kevin. No one's asking you to do more than that."

"Yeah, but it's not enough, Jon. She slipping away and you seem to be the only one that makes a difference in her life."

Jonathan, though flattered at Kevin's words, shook his head. "That can't be true. You're still her big brother."

"Yeah, but her face doesn't light up like that when she sees me," he pointed towards the house and there was Alice, smiling widely as she stepped outside towards them. "Think about it, please."

He took a deep breath. "Alright. How long do I have to think?"

"Two weeks."

***

Alice was finding it increasingly harder to keep her hands to herself as the evening wore on. She couldn't tell if it was the onset of this new reckless personality or just not seeing Jonathan for two weeks that made her desperate to make sure he really was there with her. Of course, he spent most of the time just staring at her, like she was suddenly a puzzle to him again and in a way, she supposed she was. She was a puzzle to herself at the moment.

"You sure you don't want to come in, Al?" Kevin shouted to her from the deep end of the pool.

She was sitting on the side of the pool in the shallow end and lifted one of her bare feet from the water. "I am in."

Kevin made a half hearted attempt to splash her from the deep end but he only succeeded in giving Jonathan, who was sitting next to her, a decent dousing. "Sorry, Jon!"

Jonathan took off his glasses and dried them on the hem of Alice's skirt. "No, you're not."

"I get points for the apology, right?"

"I suppose," Jonathan answered after a heavy sigh.

Alice shook her head. "You're way too easy on him."

"He fed me steak tonight. You pick your battles when steak is on the line."

"Even with you, it all boils down to food?"

"So it seems."

Alice felt a disturbance near her feet and she quickly pulled her legs out of the warm water just as Kevin popped out of the water. She knew what was coming and quickly stood up, taking off at a run, laughing. She could hear Kevin's wet footfalls on the deck and before she could reach the sliding glass doors, he had her in a tight hold.

"Where you going, Al?"

She was too far gone in her fit of giggles and struggling against Kevin's hold that he released when she was mid-air over the pool. Thankfully it was still August and the night and water were both warm, but her skirt and tank top was soaking wet and what little make up she had put on was completely gone. At least he had dumped her in the shallow end where the weight of her soaked, knee length skirt wouldn't weigh her down. She did her best to look indignant but couldn't help but grin at Kevin's raucous laughter. Even Jonathan's face had relaxed into an almost smile. Alice used the steps in the shallow end to get out of the pool and rung her skirt out as best she could.

"You okay, Al?"

"Yeah, Kev. I would just sleep with one eye open tonight."

"Ha!" Kevin jumped out of the pool and grabbed his towel, tossing another one to Alice. "I have to work."

Alice gave her hair a quick dry and wrapped the towel around her shoulders. "Well, you have to sleep sometime."

Kevin smiled and dropped a kiss on top of her head. "Behave yourself."

She gave a noncommittal noise and watched him go into the house, most likely to take a shower and get ready for work. Finally, some alone time with Jonathan.

"I better leave then."

Alice turned around to see him using the third towel to dry off the best he could and grab his shoes. "What? Why?"

"You're brother is going to leave for work and I don't think having me spend the night while he's gone is the wisest decision."

She tried to come up with an excuse to get him to stay but couldn't find one. "Well, it takes him an hour to get ready. Will you wait for me to change before you leave?"

He nodded shortly. "Sure."

Alice went into the house and sprinted up the stairs. Grabbing the first t-shirt and pair of jeans she could find, she quickly changed into dry garments and ran back down the steps. Jonathan was still outside, lying the wrong way in the hammock in the backyard, staring up at the sky. Alice dropped down next to him, her head automatically resting on his shoulder. "I would spend some time flirting but we don't have much to begin with."

"Alice," he started to get up but she pulled him back down.

"I'm not talking about _that._" She waited until he had settled back down next to her. "You know what produced Chaos-"

"Chaos?"

"Yeah, that's what I named her. Anyway, you know the circumstances that led to her coming about, but I don't know what caused your alter ego."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Jonathan," she grabbed his long fingered hand and held it between her two small ones. "You know me. I won't judge."

He swallowed heavily. "I know. It's just...I've never told anyone before."

"Well, I think it's definitely time."

"You're right." He disentangled his hands from her, putting his arm around her and cradling her against his chest instead. "How much do you know?"

Alice had to forcible turn her thoughts from the warmth he was giving off and the steady beat of his heart under her ear. "Um, you said your great grandmother was a sadistic woman who didn't like you reading psychology books. But you didn't say anything about your parents."

"Hm. Very simply, I do not know who my father is and I highly doubt my mother knows either. She wasn't exactly a picture of purity, however, that was the description of her that I gleaned from my great grandmother."

"You never knew your mother?"

He huffed slightly. "I don't think I knew her as the person she was meant to be. I remember her as being sad and almost always annoyed with me."

Alice lifted her head and smiled. "How could anyone be annoyed with one look at those baby blues?"

"There's an old woman looking up at us right now that could tell you that."

She couldn't help but laugh, slapping him lightly on the shoulder. "That's terrible!"

He smiled briefly. "It's true. She's the reason I had to develop the other personality." All humor died from his face and from Alice's as well. "Whenever I did anything that she deemed inappropriate, I was sent out to the 'church.'"

"The church?"

"It was an old, run down chapel on the property. I grew up in a farming community so there were always a lot of crows around the area and they all seemed to enjoy hanging out in the church's rafters."

He paused and swallowed so hard Alice could hear it. "What happened?"

"One day, the crows attacked me," he whispered and closed his eyes. "I discovered after I had healed up that dear sweet granny was pressing mice blood into my clothes. I found if I washed my clothes and let them dry overnight, she didn't have time to do that to them. The crows left me alone after that one time. I had no one to talk to, to confide in or receive comfort so I started talking to a neighbor's scarecrow. I...grew dependent on the thing, so much so that when I came to the University, I brought the burlap head with me."

Alice remained quiet for a moment. His eyes were still shut and she afraid that he had fallen asleep. "Scarecrow."

His eyes slowly opened, ethereal blue in the moonlight. "Yes. That's his name." His eyes shifted from hers and fixated on the night sky. "He's not...pleasant."

"I don't think Chaos is very pleasant either. When you kissed me the first time, that was when she first showed up." She was starting to feel anger at the memory but it dissipated when Jonathan skimmed his fingers over her cheek.

"I knew that wasn't you."

"You did?"

He nodded. "Something felt off about it. You're too," he paused, searching for the right word and seemed to get lost in his thoughts. Alice smiled and leaned down, kissing him briefly on the lips.

"'Too' what?" she whispered, hovering just above his face, their noses almost touching.

"Perfect."

Alice laughed, pulled back slightly. "Hardly."

He had another intense look on his face again, almost as if he were struggling with some unknown conclusion to a problem. His face relaxed suddenly and slight smile tugged at his lips. "Alice?"

"Hm?"

"Would you consider marrying me?"


	13. Chapter 13

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Thirteen**

He had two weeks to think about marrying Alice and it only took him a few hours to come to the conclusion. He had never made a snap decision in his life. Everything he did was carefully thought out and planned to the last detail and even then there were times when he didn't follow through. But this was what Alice did to him. Without even trying she changed him, twisting and bending him from the clinical psychiatrist to a human being. She was the first one he ever told about his nightmare of a childhood to and she was the first one to accept him.

Them.

She was too perfect for him to just walk away from and allow her brother to whisk off to Metropolis. He struggled with these thoughts the entire night. He had been raised thinking that dependence on another person equaled weakness, but he realized staring up into her face after his childhood confession, she made him stronger. Strong enough to tell another person about what he endured. Strong enough to make living with Scarecrow bearable. Strong enough to ask her to do something he had never allowed himself to think about as plausible.

"Would you consider marrying me?"

He expected her reaction to be what it was: shock. He himself was slightly surprised at hearing his own words. But he waited for her, wide eyed and opened mouthed, to process the question. While she was thinking, he took the time to indulge in a little fantasy of what it would be like to have her moved from the so called forbidden fruit category to his wife. No more hidden looks, touches or kisses. No more worries of someone seeing them and reporting what they deemed as inappropriate behavior to any type of authority. And speaking of inappropriate behavior, it wouldn't so inappropriate anymore. The sliding glass door opened and broke his less than respectful train of thought.

"I have to leave, Al," Kevin called out to them.

Jonathan watched Alice glance over at her brother, a very puzzled look coming over her face. When she placed her focus back on him, all shock was gone and it was replaced with the sharp edge of accusation.

"This proposal doesn't have anything to do with Kevin going to Metropolis in two weeks, does it?"

It was his turn to be shocked, which was something else that only Alice could do to him. "What?"

"You heard me."

Kevin started walking over to them. "Al, what's going on?"

Alice climbed out of the hammock and crossed her arms tightly over her chest. "Jonathan just asked me to marry him, Kev. You wouldn't have anything to do with this, would you?"

Jonathan stood to his feet and straightened his glasses. "Your brother has nothing-"

"I just want you taken care of, Al."

Jonathan closed his eyes in defeat.

"I see," Alice's voice had taken on a mocking tone. "You just wanted your crazy sister to be legally watched by a trained psychiatrist so you can go start a whole new life free of all the hang ups she has."

"That's not true-" Kevin started to raise his voice and Jonathan reached out, lightly tapping him on on the arm and shaking his head. Alice was too mad now, she wasn't going to listen to either of them. Alice turned away from them both and stalked back in the house, slamming the glass door shut behind her.

"I'll talk to her in the morning," Jonathan said. "When she has had some time to cool down."

"I gave you two weeks to think about this, Jon."

"I didn't need two weeks." He sighed. "I knew when you first brought it up that I would I ask her. It was only a matter of time, really."

"You really love her."

"Don't sound so surprised. If you didn't think I loved her, you would never have asked me to take care of her after you've left Gotham."

Kevin shoved his hands in his pockets. "You're right. Let me make a call and see if I can find someone to cover my shift. I don't want her to be left alone tonight being all upset and I don't want to ask you to spend the night because the neighbors love to gossip around here."

"Understandable." Jonathan followed Kevin into the house and strained to hear any sound that would give Alice's location away to him. Silence was the only thing he was able to detect. Surely she would be making some kind of noise. He heard Kevin on the phone and then he heard the front door open. Hoping it was Alice, he quickly made his way to the front of the town home and ran into a tall, dark haired man instead. Both of them eyed each other warily until Kevin showed up.

"Oh, hey, Simon," Kevin motioned to Jonathan, "this is Alice's boyfriend."

"The creepy professor?"

Jonathan fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"No, man," Kevin answered. "I told you, he was cool."

Simon shrugged. "Where's Alice headed?"

"What?" Jonathan and Kevin asked in unison.

"Yeah, as I was coming in to pick you up, she was getting in a cab."

***

Alice didn't give specific directions to the cab driver, she just told him to drop her off in the downtown and he started the meter. As she sat in the back of the cab, she could hear Chaos chattering in her ear and filling her mind with static. She sighed tiredly and tried to mentally communicate with her counterpart that she needed to think. But Chaos was insistent and whiny.

"_I wanted to meet Scarecrow! Go back to him, talk to him. You can have your blue eyed boy, I want the other one. He sounded like fun." _

The memory of that stifling hot day in Jonathan's office sprang to her mind unbidden. It was so vivid she could practically feel the door against her back and Jonathan's breath on her neck again, his lips pressed against the sensitive skin of her neck. Alice shook her head, tossing the memory aside and stared at her reflection in the cab window. Her blue eyed boy...Jonathan. His proposal had thrown her completely and just when her affirmative answer was on the tip of her tongue, realization settled in when Kevin came outside.

She had watched the two of them talking out by the grill before she went out to join them. It all made sense now. She could see where Kevin's logic was coming from, though it still smarted to think that her brother was arranging her marriage as if they were living in a third world country. But Jonathan going along with it, that just didn't make any sense to her.

"Stop here," she told the driver and paid him the fare with tip before stepping out of the cab. It wasn't terribly late at night but the Gotham night life was in full swing. She had heard of a couple bars in the downtown area that turned a blind eye to the underage college students who wanted a good time. The perks of living in a corrupt city, she supposed. Thankfully, it would work in her favor tonight. She walked two blocks before she found a familiar name, Molly's Irish Pub, and she stepped into the establishment.

It wasn't the nicest place in the city but it fit her mood, dark and rough. She could hear the clack of pool balls towards the back of the building as she pushed her way through stale cigarette smoke and morose alcoholics that were drowning their sorrows. No one paid her any mind, except for the young man sitting a few seats down from her at the bar. The bar tender, a tired looking middle aged man, came over to her with a slight scowl.

"ID?"

"Left it at home," she answered shortly.

"Can't serve you, kid."

She followed his gaze down to the young man who was watching her closely. His short dark blond hair was cut short and neat, the lighting was too dark to tell what color his eyes were but there was a distinguishing cleft in his chin. "He a cop?"

The bar tender rolled his eyes. "Lawyer."

So much for getting rid of Chaos with the sting of alcohol. "Shirley Temple, then."

It took the bar tender ten seconds to make the drink and slid it down to her. She reached for her wallet when money was laid on the scarred wood next to her. Looking up, she found the lawyer sitting down next to her. "I have it."

"Allow me," he smiled a toothy grin at her.

"No," she answered shortly.

"Please," he nodded to the bar tender who scooped up the bills and coins.

Alice scowled at him. "I don't want company."

He seemed undeterred by her blunt statement. "How old are you?"

"How old are you?" she countered.

"Twenty-five." He paused, waiting for her to answer. "And you?"

She took a sip of the drink. "Not twenty-five." Surprisingly, Chaos seemed happy with this stranger. She was giggling and twittering, bouncing around in Alice's mind. It was giving her a headache. "Look, I don't mean to be rude but I just want to be left alone right now."

"I can see that. But I find that people who want to be left alone are in the need of a good listening ear."

"Not me, thank you. I'm afraid I'm not that complicated." Nothing was farther from the truth.

"Boyfriend break up with you?"

This guy wasn't going to let up, was he. Chaos squealed with laughter.

_I like him. Different from the Crow, though, more sinister. _

Sinister? Alice glanced over at him again. He looked far from sinister.

_Ooohhh, yes. He has a darkness that runs deep and yet close to the surface. He ripples. _

Alice shook her head again, trying to dislodge Chaos. Ripples? What did that mean?

"Well?" he asked.

"He didn't break up with me," Alice relented. "He...proposed."

The lawyer threw back his shot and motioned for another one. "I take it you didn't say yes."

"I didn't say anything. It's...problematic."

"How so?"

She sighed and rubbed her eyes tiredly. To her surprise, she found herself telling him about her brother leaving Gotham for Metropolis and him convincing her boyfriend to marry and look after her before he goes. She left out the split personalities, anti-fear drug, that she was seventeen and her boyfriend used to be her college professor, of course. He listened attentively, even with concern though she doubted it was genuine. He was a lawyer, after all. When she finished, he quietly regarded his drink before responding.

"The first question you should ask yourself is do you want to get married?"

She sighed. "I never thought about it much but, yeah, I would."

"Do you want to get married to him?"

Chaos was grumbling in the back of her mind. "I couldn't find anyone else that would be a better fit than him." She cleared her throat. "What about my brother?"

"Brothers always look out for their sisters." He chuckled sheepishly. "I guess that's why I came over. You remind me of my little sister and I was really missing her tonight."

"Oh."

"Tell you what," he reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a half dollar coin. "Let's let fate make the decision. Heads, you elevate your boyfriend to husband; tails, you kick him to the curb."

It seemed like a very flippant way to deal with such a heady decision like marriage but Chaos was back to squealing with delight. The decision, Chaos, the bar...it was all giving her a reckless feeling. She nodded and he flipped the coin in the air. She watched him catch it as if this was how he always made his decisions, and slapped the coin on the back of his hand. He lifted it slowly, so only he could see which way the coin landed. He grimaced.

"Bad news for me." He lifted his hand completely and she saw the face of the coin. Heads. The lawyer grinned. "Good news for him though."

Alice smiled, a sense of relief coming over her. She should have realized it before. Kevin may have asked Jonathan about making a marriage proposal but she knew Jonathan well enough now to know that no one made him do anything. He asked her because he wanted to marry her. They certainly had come a long way from a sixteen year old college student dying of cancer and a college professor who didn't believe in love. She grabbed her wallet and slid off the bar stool. "Thank you."

He nodded. "You're welcome."

She started to walk away and then realized she didn't know his name. "I'm Alice, by the way."

He shook her extended hand. "Harvey."

***

Jonathan didn't sleep all night. Kevin promised that he would call when Alice came home and Jonathan only returned to his apartment thinking she might go there. So he spent the dark, early morning hours staring at the front door with the phone in his hand. Scarecrow was screaming at him to work on the final touches for the drug. Classes started the day after tomorrow. He must have started to fall asleep because the knock on his door startled him and the sun was just starting to rise outside. He felt sharp relief when he saw Alice standing on the other side of the door. She quietly walked through the open door and leaned back against it when it closed.

"I'm sorry."

He nodded. "That's fine." He wasn't sure what to expect from her until she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder. He pulled her closer to him, breathing in her scent and wrinkling his nose slightly at the tang of cigarette smoke that tinged the raspberry smell.

"Ask me again, Jonathan."

He smiled. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes."

As soon as her head lifted, his lips were on hers. He hadn't realized just what her answer meant to him. It meant true acceptance of him, his past, present and their future. All four of them...he pulled back slightly and Alice groaned in disappointment. He had to take a couple steadying breaths and took a step back from her. "What about Chaos and Scarecrow?"

Alice looked momentarily confused. "What about them?"

"What if they don't...get along?"

She weaved her fingers through the folds of his shirt. "That's their problem."

"Alice-"

She blinked suddenly and that cold leer was suddenly on her face. "Does a little Scarecrow want to come out and play?" she cooed.

He tried to keep his mind but Scarecrow was too fast for him. He was dimly aware of pushing Alice, no, Chaos, against the door with such force it rattled on its hinges. Chaos' grin and throaty chuckle did nothing to appease Scarecrow's desire for fear. Wait...was it fear?

_What did I tell you, Jonny? Fear and arousal are one in the same. _

Jonathan suddenly realized what Alice must have felt the first time he kissed her, clawing uselessly at his alter ego, desperate to regain control before things went too far. But Scarecrow was too determined and refused to be distracted from the smiling red head.

"Chaos, Chaos, Chaos," he whispered, trailing an alternate of kisses and nips along her slender neck.

She gasped softly at the feel of his teeth but then laughed quietly. "And they didn't think we would get along."

He traced her cheekbones with his lips. "He's always worrying. It's quite tiresome."

Chaos shifted underneath his weight that was pinning her against the door. "She's so needy. Always wanting something from him but afraid to take it," she let out a hiss when his hand slid under her shirt and across the smooth skin of her back.

"Is that what she wants?"

Her eyes slid closed. "Yes."

Scarecrow kissed her open mouth in a possessive way, devoid of all affection. He wanted her to know who was in control, who was the dominant one between them. Her fingernails scraped his scalp, the stinging sensation was just enough of a distraction for Jonathan to regain control. Passion replaced the possessiveness and he placed both of his hands on either side of her face, slowly putting space between their bodies.

"Alice?"

She huffed in protest and he bit back a smile. When she finally opened her eyes, she was back to herself as well.

"Are you alright?"

She bit her lower lip and released a shaky sigh. She was still breathing rapidly. "Yeah. You?"

"Fine." He removed his hands from her face and felt them tremble. He couldn't understand how she managed to affect him so deeply and thoroughly.

She coughed slightly and smoothed down her t-shirt. "I should call Kevin."

He nodded, unable to form words at the moment and watched her as she walked across the room to the phone. Scarecrow chuckled darkly from the corner of his mind.

_See, I can play nice._


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: **I'm ba-ack...and maybe a little rusty but bear with me. But I have returned to this story. A very special thanks to all those who have patiently waited for me to continue. I am very humbled by your patience (and I mean that!).

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Fourteen**

There were quiet moments, sometimes too many of them, that first month of their marriage. Jonathan watched Alice struggle with Chaos more times than he cared to count while Scarecrow waited for whatever opportunity he was waiting for to reveal himself. It was in those quiet moments that Jonathan wondered what he was doing messing with illicit drugs and prescriptions. He was smart, smarter than most and he knew that. He knew he was destined for some great discovery, break through or medical advance but his life had shifted now with Alice being present.

She needed help. Hell, he needed help but Scarecrow scoffed at that thought so he refocused on Alice once more. She had her moments of clear headedness and contentment but those were becoming less and less. He had convinced her to continue with the fall semester but she lacked the enthusiasm she had started with last year. He needed to abandon the anti-fear drug project and work on getting Alice the psychological help she deserved. But that was the problem with coming to a conclusion during those quiet moments: it never lasted.

"_You can't give up! Not now! You have five grad students that signed up for your 'extra credit!'" _Scarecrow was pitching a fit.

"I can't do this to her. Her brother entrusted her to my care and I can't let him down." He kept dropping beakers into a cardboard box with shaking hands. "I can't let her down."

"_But you can let me down, Jonny? Your faithful companion who listened to you all those years? Your one true friend who has never abandoned you? You cure her, she'll leave you first chance she gets." _

That caused him pause. "What do you mean?"

"_Your compatibility at this point is your other personalities. You get rid of Chaos, you lose that common ground. Then she'll see you for the mental case you are and she'll run. Mark my words." _

"I thought you hated Alice. Why are saying this?"

Scarecrow huffed. _"I hate Alice, yes, but I don't want to see you destroy yourself over her. What you are meant to become will leave bodies in your wake. She will pull through because she has Chaos to hide behind. Chaos will save her in the end just as I will save you, Jonny." _

Jonathan riffled through the words before continuing with packing up the make shift chemical lab. "You won't save me. You're going to damn me in the end just like Chaos is destroying Alice."

"You really don't understand me, do you?"

Jonathan looked up to see Alice standing in the doorway of the kitchen. No, not Alice...Chaos. He sighed wearily realizing it was going to be another long night. "What don't I understand, Chaos?"

"I give Alice a break from the life that is killing her." She grinned wickedly. "I help her stay sane."

"Sure you do." He went to place a beaker into the box only to find Chaos at his side, taking it from him and placing it back on the counter.

"You mustn't give up," she drawled into his ear. He could feel Scarecrow purr in appreciation of her proximity. "Scarecrow is right...you are destined for greatness. To stop now would be a disservice to humanity."

This was what quiet moments brought him: self doubt and guilt. He closed his eyes tiredly, bracing his hands on the kitchen counter as Chaos danced around him, unpacking everything he had just put away. He felt like a petulant child but he was too tired to care at this point. "I want Alice, Chaos."

She looked up at him with an almost hurt frown. "Why don't you ever want me?"

"_Step aside, Jonny."_

"No," Jonathan shook his head. "Not again." He pushed Chaos away from him with determination. Kevin had asked him, man to man, to wait until Alice was eighteen before sharing a bed with her. He could tell Kevin didn't expect the promise to be kept but he fully intended to see it through as a sign of thankfulness for letting Alice stay in Gotham with him. Alice had agreed to the sleeping arrangement without a fuss. Scarecrow and Chaos, however, were a completely different matter. He still was ashamed of the memory that morning they both woke up, entangled limbs, clothing in shreds and their bodies littered with bruises and bite marks. That wasn't what he envisioned their first time being like and thankfully, the details were sketchy in his memory.

He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. He wanted peace and quiet for a change. He wanted a rest from all the madness. "I want Alice."

The air in the small kitchen changed immediately and gentle hands peeled his hands away from his face. The softened features and concerned green eyes that gazed up at him told him that Alice had been returned him. "What's wrong, Jon?"

Before she could make any guesses, he pulled her against him and buried his face in her hair, trying not to weep. He hated quiet moments because they always reminded him just how close to the edge he was.

* * *

Alice watched the clock tick by the minutes of her British Literature class. Jon would be finishing up his meeting with the five grad students that signed up for his extra credit. Little did they know what was going to be asked of them eventually. She was anxious to leave the class and find out how the meeting went, how many volunteers they were going to have for the testing of the drug.

"Ms. Williams?"

Alice's attention snapped back up to the professor, a substitute for the semester because of her father's passing. He had been a personal friend of her father, volunteering his time over the years for Shakespearian plays and subbing when needed. "Yes, Mr. Pennyworth?"

"What were Beowulf's three antagonists?" he asked in his clipped, British accent.

"Grendel, Grendel's mother and an unnamed dragon." There was no way she could have grown up under her father's roof and not know the answer to that question. Mr. Pennyworth gave her a pleased smile before moving on with the basic arcs found in the ancient story. She had to give him credit, he didn't cut her any slack but she knew he held sympathy for her situation. It wasn't much longer before the bell rang and Mr. Pennyworth was rattling off pages that needed to be read for next class. Alice made a note despite the fact that she could practically recite the entire work of Beowulf from memory, before slipping out of the class and heading straight for Jon's office.

"Hey, Alice!"

She turned to see Sean Randall, her ex-boyfriend from the spring, jogging up to her. She started to walk away but he caught up with her quickly.

"Al, hey, wait up."

"I have nothing to say to you, Sean."

"_Oh, let me have some fun with this one." _Chaos begged but Alice grit her teeth and sent a very loud, mental "no" to her counterpart.

"You still can't be mad about spring break, can you?"

She shrugged. "I'm not mad, Sean. I just forgot about you."

"You're seeing someone else."

Alice absently rubbed her thumb against her ring finger where a wedding band should have been but while on campus, she and Jonathan were just professor and student, nothing more. "No, not necessarily."

"Well," he shifted on his feet, "would you consider giving me another chance?"

Alice pretended to think it over for a moment and then shook her head. "No, sorry, Sean." She started to walk away when he grabbed her arm and forcefully pulled her into a side hallway where less people where passing through. It happened so quickly and before she realized what had happened, the wall was already against her back, Sean leaning over her.

"Now listen to me for a minute-"

"_Are you going to let me have this one yet, little Al?" _

She seriously was considering letting Chaos have a go at Sean but all of sudden, Sean was gone and Mr. Pennyworth was standing in front of her. The older man had Sean's shirt collar is his hand.

"Is there a problem here, Ms. Williams?"

She eagerly stepped away from the wall and ignored the whining of Chaos at the lack of confrontation. "No, Mr. Pennyworth."

He looked from Sean and back to her. "Very well, then." He released Sean's shirt and fixed the collar. "You'll have to forgive an old Englishman. Chivalry never dies."

Sean gave him a nervous smile before leaving and Alice breathed a sigh of relief. Chaos was getting harder and harder to control lately. There were too many triggers, too many instances where if Alice let her concentration slip, she would be asking Jon to fill her in on the last few minutes or even hours at times. It was getting very tiresome.

"May I walk you someplace, Ms. Williams?" Mr. Pennyworth asked politely.

Alice resituated her bag on her shoulder. "I need to walk down to the psychology wing to discuss a paper with Dr. Crane."

He motioned for her lead the way and she started walking. "I was unaware that you had a class with Dr. Crane this semester."

"I don't have a class with him but he offered to look over my abnormal psychology paper for Dr. Brewer." Alice breathed a sigh of relief when her teacher just nodded his head and left it at that. She thought Jon was being paranoid about having an answer for everyone and now she was thankful for the hours of preparation that went into her returning for the fall semester. Switch the topic was one of the tricks they had discussed. "So, have you heard anything from Mr. Wayne?"

Mr. Pennyworth sighed deeply but smiled anyway. "No, nothing yet."

"I'm sure he's out there, somewhere, Mr. Pennyworth. He'll be back."

"That's very kind of you, Ms. Williams but three years of silence speaks quite loudly."

"Yes, I suppose it does." Alice stopped in front of the door of Jon's office. "Thank you for walking me down here, Mr. Pennyworth."

He handed her a business card. "If you need something, please don't hesitate to contact me. Your father was a good friend. I would find it very hard to live with myself if you ever needed anything and I failed to provide for you. The same goes for that brother of yours."

Alice forced a smile, the thought of Kevin being so far away in Metropolis still brought tears to her eyes. "Thank you, Mr. Pennyworth. I'll call on you if I need anything." She watched him leave the faculty wing before opening up the office door and slipping inside. Jonathan was pouring over his notes, the ones concerning the drug concoction. She dropped her bag next to the desk and waited for him to look up from his notes. After a few seconds, he shut the notebook and took off his glasses.

Alice felt her stomach drop. "Did the meeting not go well with your grad students?"

"No, it went just fine," he replied tiredly. "All five are on board and suffer from mediocre morals. They're perfect."

Alice settled into the chair across from him and forced her mind to focus on his appearance. Chaos quieted to fuzzy static as she always did when Alice had enough mental force to show her dominance. She was surprised she had failed to see how worn he looked. His coloring was pale, more than normal and dark rings hung underneath his eyes. And his eyes...they were bloodshot, the red making the blue electric. "You look so tired."

"I am."

Alice studied her fingernails and tried to ignore the fact that her throat was constricting around the words she was about to speak. "Perhaps I should go visit Kevin for a few days. Give you a rest."

He gave her a slightly confused look. "A rest from what?"

"From me." She heard him move but was surprised at the speed that he must have used getting from behind to the desk to kneeling in front of her.

"I'm tired, Alice, that's all. Classes, the grad students-"

"Chaos." Alice sighed. "I'm getting tired of her, too. I can only imagine how you feel about her."

Jonathan pulled Alice's hand into his own. "Maybe that's the problem, we're both too tired. I'll take tomorrow off and we'll do something relaxing."

Alice stared at their intwined hands. His long fingered, pale hands wrapped around her smaller, freckled ones. "Since when have we ever done anything relaxing?"

"Then I suppose it's grossly overdue."

Alice forced a smile and returned the brief kiss that Jonathan gave her before returning behind his desk. She wondered if there was enough normality between the two of them to make it through a day of relaxation.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: **I apologize for this chapter being a little shorter than the others. I tried to continue it further but it just didn't happen. I hope everyone enjoys it anyway. Thanks for reading and an extra thank you for leaving a review (if it's a really nice review, I'll send Dr. Crane over for an in home therapy session)!

**Accepting Chaos**

**Chapter Fifteen**

Their relaxing day off from classes was just not meant to be. Alice woke with a major headache and the side of her face was laying in something sticky. As she sat up she immediately realized two things: Jonathan was in the bed with her, sound asleep and blissfully unaware of the state of the bedroom. The second realization was she had been laying in a small pool of blood. She fought the urge to wake Jonathan and make sure he was alright and instead did a self evaluation. She found the culprit for the amount of blood that had stained her pillowcase and sheets. There was a long, straight laceration that went from her left elbow down to her wrist bone. It seemed to have clotted on it's own sometime during the night but she may still need stitches.

She quietly slipped from the bed, hoping to get everything cleaned up before Jonathan woke up and saw all the blood. She avoided all the squeaky floorboards on the way to the bathroom and softly shut the door. She turned on the water in the sink and waited for the water to warm before washing off her bloodied arm. The cut stung but she held it under the running water hoping whatever had made it had been clean. She was pawing through the medicine cabinet looking for gauze and bandages when she heard Jonathan's panicked voice from the bedroom.

"Alice!"

"I'm in here," she shouted back. She heard his unsteady footsteps come down the hallway and stop at the closed door. Always the gentleman. "You can come in."

Slowly the door opened and he peered into the small room with wide eyes. "Are you alright?"

She gave him her best smile hoping he would ignore the red that was staining the white porcelain sink. "I'm fine."

He sighed heavily and rested his head on the door. "How bad is it?"

He would look at it eventually so lying was out of the question. "It's going to need stitches but I can do that myself. Kevin taught me how to do it when he first started his EMT training." One of the towels was going to be sacrificed no matter what for when she stitched the cut so she just picked the current hand towel and wrapped it around her left arm. "You know this isn't your fault."

Anger tightened his features and ignited his eyes. "Of course this is my fault. He's getting out of hand-"

"And Chaos isn't?" Alice countered.

That deflated him for a moment. "I have to find a way to gain the upper hand over him. They're both acting like ill behaved children...destructive children at that."

Alice had to agree with him. She knew it would take the better part of the morning to put the bedroom right again. Broken furniture and bloodied sheets could be dealt with easily but bruises, scars and sore muscles were another manner. "Well, if they're acting like children, let's treat them as such."

He stepped forward and unwound the towel, carefully examining her injury. "How so?"

"Find out what is important to them and take it away. Return it only when they behave according to our rules. If they both continue to escalate," she looked down at the angry red line that was still seeping blood now, "they'll burn Gotham to the ground and nothing will be accomplished."

"I'm afraid you're correct in that assessment. Perhaps that's what we should focus on today."

"So much for relaxation and rest."

Jonathan "hm"ed as he reached for the first aid kit that was under the sink. "I don't think I have a needle and thread for stitches."

"I do. Kevin left me a bunch of medical supplies in an EMT bag. It's in the closet." She watched him leave and then turned to her reflection in the mirror. "We're going to have a little chat later on today."

She could hear Chaos chuff at the statement but was surprisingly quiet. Alice took heart that maybe this just might work with their counterparts. She just had to find out what it was that Chaos wanted.

"Is this it?"

Chaos grumbled in the back of her mind at the fact that Jonathan had donned a shirt while he was in the bedroom looking for the bag. Alice nodded her head and started looking through the supplies for stitching kit. Tears pricked the back of her eyes as she realized what the one thing Chaos wanted was the same thing she did: Jonathan.

* * *

Jonathan found himself standing in the kitchen once more, packing up the beakers, burners and drugs. He could feel Scarecrow watching him, disapproving, leery but quiet. Alice was safely barricaded in the bedroom, hopefully dealing Chaos. She had stitched up the laceration on her arm like a pro and assured him there would little to no scarring. He hoped this little conversation with their counterparts worked and didn't back fire in both of their faces.

"_You know this isn't going to work, Jonny." _

Jonathan fought the urge to smile. Scarecrow had been the first one to break the silence.

"_Go ahead, pack everything up. Put your plans on hold and let this perfect batch of grad students slip through your fingers. You'll tire of normalcy soon enough." _

He put the last bit of paraphernalia away and shut the box. He could feel Scarecrow's panic start to rise.

"_You're really serious about this? Jonny...come on, now. Don't throw away all of our hard work over this girl!"_

"I'm doing this to protect her from you."

"_I've never hurt her, not once."_

"You took a razor blade to her arm last night! You barely missed her veins and she could have bleed to death! This is unacceptable behavior, even for you."

"_Chaos asked me to do that to her and with your skills, I wouldn't have nicked a vein. Trust me, I know what a neat freak you are but she can be so very...convincing when she wants. I can show you that particular memory-"_

"No!" Jonathan took a steadying breath. "What happens between you two is your business."

Scarecrow smiled. "_But it's your body. Aren't you the least bit curious what it feels like-" _

"Stop."

"_To have her beneath you-" _

"Enough!" He threw the box of glass containers and supplies into the hallway closet, hearing a couple of the beakers break at the rough treatment. The drugs were all in plastic containers so he wasn't afraid of the drugs mixing. He shut the door and leaned his head against it. "It's over, Scarecrow. We're done with each other."

A loud crash came from the back of the apartment and Jonathan went running to the closed bedroom door. It was locked but eventually gave way after he threw his shoulder against it a few times. Alice was sitting on the floor in front of a broken out mirror, her head bowed and shoulders shaking.

"Alice?"

Her head turned sharply. "Alice, Alice, Alice...Alice is a little busy at the moment."

He came around the on her right side and saw a shard of the glass was being held against her throat. Her hand had small streams of blood running down her arm and a bead of blood had slipped down the column of her throat. "Chaos, please, put the glass down."

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" she snarled. "_She_ won't let me."

"Why? Why does Alice want to do this?" He was a psychologist, he kept telling himself. He could talk her down. That was what he was trained to do, after all.

"To punish me." Her bottom lip quivered and tears gathered in her eyes. "She's selfish...wants you all to herself but...together, together...we're too close together. Can't separate-" Her hand tightened even more and she grimaced. "Trying to separate us with glass and blood...won't happen."

"Let me speak to Alice, Chaos."

"No. You deal with me...help me."

"How?"

A few tears slipped down her cheeks. "Scarecrow..."

"_Well, Jonny? Are we done with each other or not?" _

Jonathan sighed in defeat and removed his glasses. He mental stood aside and allowed Scarecrow to take over. The counterpart actually allowed Jonathan to be aware of what was going on in the bedroom even though he was powerless to do or say anything. Scarecrow was surprisingly gentle with Chaos.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" he cooed. "You mad about last night?"

"N-no. Not mad...Alice is mad."

"You know how Jon and her can be...they get so upset over the littlest thing." He edged closer to her. "You're the most interesting thing I've ever come across so I would appreciate it if you could convince Alice to stick around for a little while longer."

"She's afraid I'll take Jonathan away from her. That I love him and not you. But that isn't how it is."

"Oh, I know that," Scarecrow leered. "We've had some good times, you and me. Like to have more of 'em if we can."

Her grip started to lessen on the shard of glass. "She's starting to understand the manner of things."

"Good," he moved closer and reached out for the hand with the glass in it. Her arm fell limply to the side and he tossed the glass across the room. Chaos collapsed against him and he wrapped his arms around her. "That's better, my little Chaos."

"She was se-se-serious," Chaos whimpered. "She wanted to be r-r-rid of me."

"Yeah, Jonny boy packed up all the goods again and dumped them in the closet. I really think they meant business today."

"It's not fair," she pouted. "You promised me Gotham would burn and we would be the ones to start the fire."

"And we will, my darling." He stood up and brought her to her feet with him. "You will dance in the streets of this city to the music of screams."

She smiled slyly. "If I'm going to dance, I'll need a partner."

Scarecrow grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close. "I'll kill him and then take his place." He pressed his mouth against her neck as a laugh bubbled up from inside of her, vibrating against his lips.

"Naughty Scarecrow."

"Beautiful Chaos." Seriousness replaced the flirting. "We are going to have to listen to them-"

She started to pout and he laid a finger on her puckered lips.

"For the time being, my sweet. When everything is said and done, they will release us to play. Until then, we play nice and bide our time."

She slid her hands around his neck. "And how would you like to bide our time?"

He hated to admit that he might not be able to interact with this little minx for a while and Jon was already impatiently wanting control back. Well, he could wait for a few more minutes while he said a temporary good-bye to Chaos.


End file.
